The Captain's (B)log

The Funny Bone

From nursing and the cradle to nursing homes, from “Eat you greens!” to “An apple a day…”,  health and sick care have been a constant indoctrination we have endured in this nation. Obamacare is the newest corrupt policy being introduced to the USA  and I’ve heard many speculations as to what will happen should it be put into effect. Due to the unrealistic nature of the financial planning behind it, some say your Prozac will start coming in different colors with little M’s on them, others that your primary care physician will be wearing the coveralls you gave to Goodwill last month… still others that if you ask for Viagra they will hand you a popsicle stick and duct tape. Disregarding all this gobble-dee-gook gilding the lily I have compiled a list of health related quotes that may help guide you through these trying times.

  • Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
  • Homer Simpson
    • My doctor told me to do something that made me slightly out of breath, so I started smoking again.
  • Jo Brand
    • Never eat anything at one sitting that you can’t lift.
  • Miss Piggy
    • The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”
  • Dave Barry
    • I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
  • Joe E. Lewis
    • Muscles come and go; flab lasts.
  • Bill Vaughan
    • All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
  • Alexander Wolcott
    • To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
  • Gustave Flaubert
    • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Redd Foxx
    • I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
  • Andy Rooney
    • If you ever have to support a flagging conversation, introduce the topic of eating.
  • Leigh Hunt
    • Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
  • Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    • Canada has never been a melting pot; more like a tossed salad.
  • Arnold Edinborough
    • Eating words has never given me indigestion.
  • Winston Churchill
    • I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.
  • George Bush, US president, 1990
    • Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.
  • Restaurant sign in Langkawi, Malaysia
    • Eat whatever thou likest, but dress as others do.
  • Arab Proverb
    • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
  • Lucille Ball
    • Eat bread at pleasure, drink wine by measure.
  • Randle Cotgrave
    • Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
  • Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)
    • The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
  • Mark Twain
    • Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.
  • Billy Rose
    • An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
  • Winston Churchill
    • Mattie’s Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, “An alternative to Good Eating
  • Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas


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