The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Witty”

Christmas Observations


I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.

X4NCWM32RJ66

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From hanging out to hungover…


It was a Thursday night last night!? Suddenly there’s a party goin on and I’m downing bottles like there’s no tomorrow (for my liver). Unfortunately there was a tomorrow. Which is today. I was seriously out of it, don’t remember most of it. My favorite author was the guy who wrote, ‘Pull tab to open’. Found out one of my friends is friends with Star Wars and Jesus on Facebook (as he put it) which I thought made him pretty cool. I talked a lot. That’s the thing about alcohol. Hard A in = secrets out… and sometimes chunks if you have too much. Gotta love it. Drunkenness is bottled madness they say but I am quite the happy drunk. I don’t drink all the time but when I do I don’t take any prisoners, that’s for sure (I’m not completely sober yet so you will have to forgive me). I’m no lightweight but last night’s impact was equal to the time they gave alcohol to Eskimos. It helped that I hadn’t eaten most of the day.  Apparently I had a random girl call one of my very good girl friends ( 😉 ) and leave a voice mail telling her I really liked her. I told some girl her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. I also made the astute observation that a red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Oh joy 🙂

“35 Seconds!”


“35 seconds!” My mom said. I was visiting with my parents and the unexpected declaration regarding this measurement of time caught me off guard. “It’s been 35 seconds since you touched your hair! A new record!”. Then it came to me.

“Wh-whaaaat?” I said, feigning innocence. Yet another habit publicly exposed along with biting my nails and the rest of my somewhat OCD compilation. I recently started using conditioner and… well the results have made my hair quite succulent to the touch. Little did I know how attractive. I was messing with it every 10 seconds.However, this is not a new thing, it has just recently become more noticeable.

In tracing back my psychological steps to the origin of this habit a wave of memory washed over me. As a kid I loved the book Count of Monte Cristo and when the movie came out it instantly rose to the top of my Favorites List. In that movie Jim Caviezel (playing Edmond Dantes, the Count) is a tall, dark and handsome rogue (much like myself) who is imprisoned, finds treasure, exacts revenge from his enemies and in the end his old fiance recognizes him by how he twists his hair with his fingers.

Naturally I thought… what if I am to be married someday and get locked in prison for 50 billion years and come back out and get rich and need to be recognized by my former bride-to-be? To make a long story short I started twisting my hair behind me ear with my right hand and have been doing it ever since. I have (as of yet) never been engaged, gotten rich or been thrown in prison but I’m sure that fateful day lies just around the corner… and when it does come I will be prepared for it.

Now, I don’t suffer from some kind of disease and I’m not OCD in the least (In fact I’m kind of a slob sometimes) but there’s one other thing I always do. I have a drinking problem (it’s not what you think). When getting a drink from a cup (new or one I’ve used previously) I will always rinse it out three times in the sink before filling it. If I happen to rinse it four time by accident I will make it an even six but not five or seven. Always in multiples of three. Okay now… *retrieving memory from mind dump* the origin of this habit also came from a book I read as a child. In this book the evil King was poisoned by his son who then washed the royal cup out three times before drinking as the new King. Still not sure exactly why I found that important in the least but I rarely find myself NOT washing the cup I drink out of at least three times (just to be safe, I don’t have an evil son and I’m not a King but one never knows I suppose). Weird huh?

I also chew on pens and pencils with a vengeance but enough of MY trivial pursuits. I would like to hear if any of you have weird or even normal habits, especially if you can remember how they started and why and even if you can’t… give it your best shot! 🙂

Source

The Cartoon Laws


CARTOON LAW I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

CARTOON LAW II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.

CARTOON LAW III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

CARTOON LAW IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

CARTOON LAW V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

CARTOON LAW VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

CARTOON LAW VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

CARTOON LAW VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

CARTOON LAW IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

CARTOON LAW X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

CARTOON LAW XI: Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.

CARTOON LAW XII: Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair regrowth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully regrown.

CARTOON LAW Amendment A: A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

CARTOON LAW Amendment B: The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters. Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

CARTOON LAW Amendment C: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.

CARTOON LAW Amendment D: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

CARTOON LAW Amendment E: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which CARTOON LAWs hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cartoon_physics

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