The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “United States”

Jack of all trades, master of none.


I’d like to open this post with a quick shoutout to the blogosphere. It’s been a while but I’ve renewed my domain in the wordpress kingdom (both literally and figuratively) and I’m back with a vengeance! Today I’d like to unveil the first in a mini-series on posers. People that pretend to perform the duties of a position perfectly but can’t produce palpable papers when put to the question.

Webster defines the word poser as

1. “Someone who poses.”

I thought my definition had somewhat of a ring to it but you’re free choose whichever you prefer.

In these episodes we will be primarily discussing those who’ve lied or otherwise used some medium of subterfuge to mislead others regarding their occupation and (as the title of this post suggests) our subject today is closely tied with the medical field.  funny doctor x ray photo There are many reasons to falsify details about your employment. Perhaps you’re trying to charm a prospective mate or you’re in the presence of a similarly gendered individual you intend to eclipse with your tales of fame and fortune. Maybe you’re an unfortunate sitcom character stuck in a mire of mystifying misunderstandings. Or… if you’re Matthew Scheidt, maybe you accidentally were given the wrong ID badge and decided that life has handed you lemons and you fully intend to make lemonade.

Scheidt, a 17-year-old Florida adolescent, born and bred, worked as a clerk in a doctor’s office. He was sent to nearby Osceola Regional Medical Center to pick up his employee ID. The office at the hospital was a busy one, and as a result Scheidt was punched into the system as a bona fide physician assistant, instead of Office Drone #923 that he was. Most people would have become slightly annoyed, corrected the mistake, and proceeded with their daily routine. Scheidt, on the other hand, took one look at his ill gotten credentials and thought: “I’m a medical professional now! It’s time to see the look on an innocent patient’s face when I’M the one placing the icy ear of a stethoscope recently recovered from the North Pole on a helpless victim’s chest.”

Scheidt pilfered some scrubs, a stethoscope (from the freezer I am sure) and wandered away to the depths of the hospital in search of prospective patients. How long would it take for YOU to be caught doing something like that? A couple of hours? A few days? Nope — for several fucking weeks, this acne afflicted adolescent went all Neil Patrick Harris, Doogie Howsering his way around the emergency room and hospital staff.

Despite looking more like Napoleon Dynamite than a Physician Assistant, he was overwhelmingly convincing and knew a boatload of hospital terminology (it simply didn’t occur to his new-found colleagues that so does literally everyone who has ever watched Grey’s Anatomy, House or any crime show on TV). Matthew was able to spout a few words ending in ‘itis’ and seeing as his ID checked out, he was allowed to roam free, handling IVs, conducting medical exams with real professionals, and he even administered CPR to an overdosing patient.

This NOT how I imagined my first kiss..

This NOT how I imagined my first kiss..

nurse

Matthew was eventually apprehended by law enforcement before he accidentally killed anyone in THAT occupational field. Undaunted by his brief incarceration, only months after his arrest, our out-on-bail hero fashioned himself to be a police officer. As luck would have it, a genuine undercover cop happened to bump into Scheidt, who was sitting in a FULLY EQUIPPED  undercover police vehicle, typing away on the dashboard computer and gleefully identifying as an officer of the law. Scheidt even reprimanded the authentic law enforcement officer for not wearing his seat belt! When perplexed police officers searched the car, they found it stuffed to the brim with cop gear: By some means, Matthew had managed to get his sticky hands on an Osceola County sheriff’s shirt, a real badge, handcuffs, and a stolen police radio. Oh yes, also a Taser and a fully loaded handgun. I am almost bummed we didn’t get to see this facade play out as long as the last.

In conclusion: pay close attention to your employees qualifications. I don’t want to go to a “dentist” and see a mallet labeled “Anesthesia”.

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Top Hats Need To Make A Comeback


I’ve described a lot of things recently and I intend to in the future but here I pause to insert a quick not from the author, Captain Obvious. It also Cinco De Mayo today… oh and my birthday! Today I turned 20 years old but instead of dwelling on graduation from the teenage world I have decided to do a couple posts on various historical artifacts, trends etc that I will campaign to re-integrate into society as we know it. I am working as a Business Development Executive and with a background and current career in sales and as such have chosen to use some creative license and broaden my horizons.

The first object to be discussed in this series could have been many things but was narrowed down through a calculated process of cross strategies and semi circle brain patterns. Of course it couldn’t be anything from the Middle East… too hot of a topic and I don’t want to bring that controversy into my posts unnecessarily or mention it without any cause whatsoever. And then I turned around and thought well we have to rule out everything else too because the only object that immediately came to mind was the Top Hat. Yes that very same Top Hat of American Civil-War era fame… so why not mount a full-scale campaign to re-introduce it to modern civilization?

(Dim the lights and here we go…)

“Top coat, top hat,
I don’t worry cause my wallets fat.
Black shades, white gloves,
looking sharp and looking for love.”

For one thing, what other scalp ornament can claim to make rabbits appear at the drop of a hat? Magicians have been doing it for years. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t look nearly as authentic without this apparatus of gargantuan proportions adorning his head, and I say ‘apparatus’ because that’s exactly what it was. Besides its apparent transformational qualities of making its wearer appear exponentially more distinguished and ‘dapper’, as it were, there was a purpose behind the Top Hat the very embodiment of citizenship and versatility. John Batterson Stetson, the inventor of the Top Hat was a man of vision. If only he had lived to see this post and the global potential of his simple brainchild.

What we may look at and think of as abnormally large and useless is in fact a product of creative genius. Mr. Stetson allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires. Imagine having not only a Crime Watch zone in your neighborhood but a Top Hat zone where you knew that your home was protected in the event of a possible fire by the fashion conscious choice of your community conscious neighbors to sport the snazzy Top Hat. It’s the future ladies and gentlemen.

I predict (and you can quote me on this) that the next big fad after “going green” and global warming will be the Top Hat. Those not wearing them will be thought of as the carbon footprints of their era by choosing not to protect their fellow-man and pack even a travel size Top Hat in the event of a nearby structure fire. Recent studies and surveys and questions asked to close friends of Al Gore have shown that this issue will be on the docket at the International Peace & General Welfare convention. Be prepared. Do your part. Carry a Top Hat.

Money Matters


“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” –Robert Orben

I’ve ran into some hard times lately… more or less. I have a job I could travel to and make a lot of money quick but, due to social and romantically involved reasons, I have chosen not to do so. I was thinking today about the pros and cons of possessing large amounts of money. As a twist on my previous and short lived episode “Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire” I decided to write down a few (feel free to add more sensible ones to the list):

Pro: Fat wallets make you feel good about yourself.
Con: Thin wallets are more comfortable to sit on.

 
Pro: You can buy useless things like an island complete with midgets painted orange to be oompa loompas or a cruise ship in the shape of a sandwich. You could buy all the algebra books in the world then rent a blimp and dump it on Topeka, Kansas as an act of math instruction.
Cons: Oompa loompas are gay. You can’t eat cruise ships so what’s the point? And last but not least… Topeka? Really? Be more philanthropic why don’t you. Try Nigeria or some third world country where they can use it as firestarter.

Pro: You’d get all the easy girls (or whatever gender seems to match your sexual orientation). People would think you’re important.
Con: I am not attracted to easy girls in the least and if they’re just attracted to the dinero? They can saddle up and ride away. As for being important, if you think nobody cares about poor people, try missing a couple of car payments.

Pro: You’d have security and the ability to enjoy life in a more stress free environment.
Con: Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with! 😛

Pro: So many opportunities to capitalize on!
Con: Scams. Frauds. What if someone offered you a team franchise in the Nigerian Chimpanzee Archery Association (NCAA)? Like… how could you say no to that?

That concludes my short list. Feel free to add to it BUT you must have both a pro AND a con to suggest any additions to the list 😉

Didja miss me? :)


Ladies and gentlemen… after an absence the likes of which this blog has never seen… Captain Obvious is back in the ring!

I don’t know where to start… the trip to Alaska was incredible. Flown in by private plane 100 miles north of Anchorage into the middle of nowhere in particular (google it). Working 13 hours a day, 7 days a week, working night shift, 91 hours a week. Doing lots of heavy lifting and various other random manual labor all night every night, working on a rig drilling for core for geologists to examine in an effort to prospect for gold. They’ve already found 5 million ounces but need 10 million to make it worth mining.

A half hour snow machine ride or 1.5 minute helicopter ride to work every evening before a  long night and returnjust as the sun would rise. This is mainly a photo post and a big “Aloha!” from Alaska or whatever it is they say up there besides “Brrrr.” I’m back in Washington state now and living it up big time till I have to head back up in a couple of weeks. It got down to -30 degrees Fahrenheit while I was there, so cold that the only wildlife I saw during my stay were a mouse and a bird toward the end of my stay and then a friggin MOOSE when I got back to the city to fly home. Go figure… Going up for the summer should get interesting though. We’re going to have to have a gun on the drill rig at all times due to the bears. Feel free to ask questions! I’m sure I’m skippin lots… it was an amazing experience!

The sunset that marks the start of my workday every night...

My view from the mountain across the valley.

And this is my office where i work 😀

Epic to say the least.

A recent picture with the snow slowly dissapearing and work being done on the summer runway for the planes.

Notice: Upcoming Blog Hiatus


 

Quick post. I’m going up to Alaska to work for a month and I don’t believe I will be able to post during that time due to time constraints and limited internet access. It’s a lucrative opportunity though so it’s definitly worthwhile. Wish me luck! I’m leavin at 2 AM to catch my plane 😀

 

Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire: Episode I


We all have million dollar questions, some have million dollar babies and others look like a million bucks but very few of us ACTUALLY have that kind of cash. We see and hear it everywhere we go. “What would you do with a million dollars if you had it?” Ok, so perhaps I haven’t achieved the financial status typically associated with the word “millionaire”. Nevertheless I have decided to prepare a list of the more extracurricular items I aspire to own someday. I started with the title, “Frivolous Financial Fantasies”. While tempting to call it the “Triple F” list for short, I think having any sort of F-List comes across as odd so I’ll go with Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire or MM of a MM for short. I’m going to share these every Monday here on Devastating The Obvious. Stick around and you might find something you like. 😉

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MM of a MM Item #1: Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster – Batman, the coolest super hero of all time, chose this for his town car in Batman Begins. What is a guy without something amazingly hot, foreign and fast by his side? I’ll tell you what he is. He’s just a regular guy and what’s cool about that? No, we want something that distinguishes us from Mr. Millicent Bystander over there, something bursting with 661 horsepower (even guys who don’t know what ‘horsepower’ means still drool at the word) something that can go from zero to 100 miles per hour in 7.5 seconds, something sporty and classy at the same time. For instance; fuzzy red dice! I’ve always wanted a pair of those. Also, a set of awesome neon lights. You know that luminescent glow on the base of street racing cars that make them look like a flying saucer ready to take off? Yeah, add those to my virtual cart.

While we’re on this whole millionaire thing, why not add a vanity tag? Something like… BOOOYAH, WERZURZ? COP B8 or even: ICANTBELIEVEIMFINALLYDRIVINGTHECAROFMYDREAMS!  I could run into trouble getting that to fit… and, considering it’s not customary to put bumper stickers on Lamborghinis, I suppose I’ll have to keep thinking. It would be good to keep in mind that; besides the USA, the UK, Australia and New Zealand; the countries of Austria, Denmark, Finland, Hong Kong, Latvia, Luxembourg, Poland, Slovenia, Iceland and Sweden ALL allow vanity plates. Some are completely custom, others only halfway and some with mandatory pink tassels. The point is: if this has inspired you to revamp your car’s backside and you live in one of those nations, you’re in luck.

How fun would that be passing sports cars on the Autobahn tossing off one-liners like Legolas from The Lord of the Rings: “That BMW trouble you? Mercedes are for ladies! Porsche Dork!” and many other rhyming soliloquies to be regretted for their corny lack of preparation at a later date.

This is the first of many Musings of a Mental Millionaire so… don’t go anywhere. But, if your presence is required elsewhere I suppose I could settle for you tuning in next time, same time, same station, for another episode of Devastating The Obvious!

Money Image Sources
Car Image Sources

Can I see Some ID?


No, I’m not talking about the first words uttered to you by every police officer. Here in the United States we see the signs every time we enter or exit the checking lane in any store. “Alcohol and Tobacco. We card under 40.”

A custom has developed in regard to this policy that is both appreciated and detested by equal numbers. Those under the age of 18 or 21 with criminal intent to purchase these age-appropriate substances don’t like the law. I will disregard them in this post here due to the opinion’s incredible duhness* (to be distinguished from dullness, usually the catalyst of duhness).

To make a long story short: cashiers will ask senior citizens for ID as a sort of reversely psychological compliment. Have you ever noticed this? There are adamant parties on both sides of this issue. The hardened 65-year-old rancher buying a tractor and a case of beer flips his lid (and in rare cases a bird) because of extra trouble caused by a well-meaning cashier. Meanwhile, in the next checkout lane, the same treatment for a grandma getting a new prescription and a small bottle of wine leaves her overjoyed and feeling young at heart. Why they sell beer, tractors, drugs and wine in the same store I’ll never know but the results are self-evident: frustration vs. making someone’s day.

There’s a simple solution to this, something not so common anymore… common sense. Instead of taking every opportunity to make yourself feel like Mother Theresa, you cashiers out there SHOULD endeavor to read the people you serve (go back to school if necessary, yes I said read). I’m not upset about this personally in the least but instead make this plea on behalf of the O.F.Y.H. (Old Farts,Young Hearts) Association of America. Those of you who card Scrooge on Christmas Eve, have a bad experience and quit carding senior citizens could be denying Granny Smith‘s lone Christmas wish.

If this still makes no sense then do this. Card nice elderly women and not cranky old men… you’ll have a higher success rate. From there you can move on to divining the intricacies of the department store customer’s mind and who knows? Perhaps you’ll go on to a career in mental therapy or fortune-telling but a small dose of good judgement will go a long way to getting you started.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.”           C. E. Stowe

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