The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Shopping”

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

A Tribute To The Mancave


You know it’s bad when you have random girls over for the sole purpose of having them wash your dishes. This thought occurred to me a couple months ago while I was flipping my burritos on the skillet with pliers (due to the lack of clean spatulas…). I’ve since had a few changes in my living situation but I will forever value that era of wallowing in glorious singlehood. I’m still single but I’ve given up the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I doubt I will ever descend to that level again but honestly, it was fun while it lasted. I wasn’t poor by any means but money always had a better, more adventurous place to go rather than basic hygiene. (Speaking of hygiene it is never funny to make fun of female hygiene… end of story. Period!)

Dane Cook:  “You know you’re a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you’ve got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That’s how sad and lonely you are. You won’t even buy bulbs.”

My friend recently pulled out some posters she’d saved from the mancave before it’s conquest and eventual evacuation. One was of Chuck Norris and various quotes denoting his ability to blow bubbles with beef jerky and the use of his hair in the making of bulletproof vests for law enforcement agencies across the planet… the other a list of what to do in the event of a zombie Apocalypse… 6. BOOBIES ARE GOOD (praising the pros of setting booby traps) etc.

50 inch TVs and two high powered gaming consoles adorned the den wall and the blinds were all eventually destroyed and replaced with blankets or sheets. Once again I’d like to reiterate my lack of desire to ever experience this again… I have much grander plans for my existence in this dog eat dog world. As I move up in the corporate hierarchy there are a few things I wouldn’t mind adding to the experience.

To each his own.

1. Pool. Complete with a sign declaring “Welcome to my _OOL, Notice there is no “P” in it. I’d like to keep it that way” (if there’s any other pool jokes floating around out there feel free to enlighten me). Throw in a hot tub, nearby trampoline and basketball hoop and we’ll be ready to rock and roll!

2. The universal house remote. A condo complete with mood buttons! I can press on the remote that adjust the aesthetics and lighting appropriately. You know you’ve made it when walls move, sounds permeate the air, lights change and your residence can turn into a club or a house of love at the touch of a button.

A few games of battle shots, chess shots, beer pong, ultimate beer pong, a stripper pole, a poker table, ping pong and a pool table and we are good to go! What would you put in your ultimate man cave men? And for the women… what do you secretly like about the mancave experience (perhaps)? GO! 🙂

Waxed On In Ears


We are gathered here today to commemorate the passing of my dear friend and constant companion…  Beatty Pluggins. He was an exemplary headphone, living out loud and standing tall till the end… when he shorted out. It was his time. He was significantly waxed on in ears and an old soul. Taken from us at the ripe old age of 12 months. Since this is an open casket funeral please form two single file lines and wait your turn to view the deceased.

Look at him there... so quiet... so peaceful...

Now if you will all retake your seats. I was with Beatty to hear his eloquent, final and fuzzy words…

“I hear they have 70 brand new pink & purple headphones waiting for me up there…” He said.

I couldn’t let him go out believing a lie so I replied “I hate to tell you but that’s not true Beatty… they’re all refurbished.”

He breathed a sigh of static disappointment  “Oh..” and expired.

So passed the one I would listen to when I didn’t want anyone else to talk to me, the one who knew just how I liked my bass and treble in the morning. He is survived by myself and all of you. As are all in this world who have who have died to date (and for all of you who ARE dying to date, think again, dating isn’t all it’s cracked up to be).

I know Beatty would want us to share about our own loved ones… whether they be amp, stereo, radio, headphone, speaker or even power cord, Beatty didn’t discriminate and that speaks volumes. So, I will open it up to those of you who would like to share your own story or pay your witty comments and respects to my friend Beatty.

The Rise & Fall of the Clipboard


We must still have at least 25 clipboards floating around our house and I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know whether it’s attributed to all of our inherent love for writing or perhaps our tendency to hoard random objects. I’ve used the word so many times that I call them CBs for short to save time and oxygen. My family had an inexplicable love for the little spring-loaded writing facilitators.They were such a coveted possession that when I was younger we used them as currency along with pens, pencils and (the ever-present top dollar object) candy! Sadly, this is not the case any more and so begins my story.

We’ve had more fights over clipboards and who they belong to than anything else I can remember. My parents got to the point where they made it Illegal to be in possession of a CB because we we’re stealing them the moment their backs were turned. Naturally we had to start an undercover Black Market operation till the use of clipboards was legalized once again but the verdict did nothing to reduce its popularity. If anything, it made them MORE prevalent. The kids would save up birthday money for clipboards, the older kids would trade for them with their friends and I was the guy to hook you up. If you wanted a CB you came to me. I owned the proverbial turf when it came to CB related transactions.

Ah… the good old days. When I got home from a few month stay in Arizona not too long ago clipboards lay hither and thither like so many discarded toys children were done playing with. Since I’ve been gone the intrinsic value of the CB went down by over 750%. Worst of all, I saw some of them ON SHELVES. A tragedy that never would have been allowed when the market value of CBs was at its peak. The inevitable had come. New technological gizmos and video games had overthrown our old friend. Alas, the CB has gone the way of the dinosaur, the Roman Empire and Michael Jackson but it will forever live on in our hearts… as we look back on the glory that was… the clipboard.

What would you do if you were one inch tall?


As a 6 foot 3 (and a 1/2) inch physical specimen (something I’ve always liked about myself), I’ve had the good fortune to avoid most all inferiority complexes, potato chips on my shoulder and looking up to most people. I’m not a prideful twit but I’ve always been a pretty secure human being living my life as the tallest one in the class, surveying the basketball court from the greatest height, ALWAYS being the one people ask to reach stuff but… what if I was one inch tall?

I’m sure some people would decide to build a clubhouse of leaves in their backyard while others would try something cliche like helping people or sleeping in a wallet but… Honestly? I would probably end up getting into a lot of trouble >:) The list adventures you could have as a pigmy person are endless.  Riding in every toy, taming every infinitesimal bug and animal, commandeering an ant farm, the world would become a much bigger place to say the least.  I came up with a looooong list of ideas BUT instead decided to share this poem by Shel Silverstein with you.

If you were only one inch tall, you’d ride a worm to school.
The teardrop of a crying ant would be your swimming pool.
A crumb of cake would be a feast
And last you seven days at least,
A flea would be a frightening beast
If you were one inch tall.

If you were only one inch tall, you’d walk beneath the door,
And it would take about a month to get down to the store.
A bit of fluff would be your bed,
You’d swing upon a spider’s thread,
And wear a thimble on your head
If you were one inch tall.

You’d surf across the kitchen sink upon a stick of gum.
You couldn’t hug your mama, you’d just have to hug her thumb.
You’d run from people’s feet in fright,
To move a pen would take all night,
(This poem took fourteen years to write–
‘Cause I’m just one inch tall).

Not a whole lot of ways to follow such a great literary work but I will do my best with a question. Tell me. What would you do if you were one inch tall?

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