The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Recreation”

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

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Much Ado About Nothing*


I am posting today to bring awareness to an american travesty gone rampant in the very fast food joints we patronize every day of our existence. I’m not talking about the filthy preparation or despicable state of most restrooms. I’m not even talking about the repulsive things I’ve done in my past life as a waiter to people’s evening morsels. I’m here today to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. Snow blindness in cats has effected… NOT!

What I REALLY want to address is the ridiculous amount they can charge you for a 3 ounce (<measurement stated at random, correct me if you are privy to such information) of sour cream, or any condiment for that matter! It’s more than exorbitant, it’s robbery! One of my friends and I had this lengthy conversation not but months ago… why it just popped into my kranium we’ll never know.

 

Talk about fast food!

Unfortunately the corporate conspiracies that be have picked up on this fact and started to charge 50 cents or even a dollar for this wonderful dairy protege and it’s ilk. I am hereby boycotting any and all such thievery. No more sour cream for this guy. In closing I have a few questions… Who will join me? Is this a plague unique to my country or is a universal ploy?  I want to hear from my blogging counterparts across the globe on this subject.

You can take our lives... but... you will never take... our MCDONALDS!

*The next post will contain much more substantial material.

Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire: Episode I


We all have million dollar questions, some have million dollar babies and others look like a million bucks but very few of us ACTUALLY have that kind of cash. We see and hear it everywhere we go. “What would you do with a million dollars if you had it?” Ok, so perhaps I haven’t achieved the financial status typically associated with the word “millionaire”. Nevertheless I have decided to prepare a list of the more extracurricular items I aspire to own someday. I started with the title, “Frivolous Financial Fantasies”. While tempting to call it the “Triple F” list for short, I think having any sort of F-List comes across as odd so I’ll go with Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire or MM of a MM for short. I’m going to share these every Monday here on Devastating The Obvious. Stick around and you might find something you like. 😉

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MM of a MM Item #1: Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster – Batman, the coolest super hero of all time, chose this for his town car in Batman Begins. What is a guy without something amazingly hot, foreign and fast by his side? I’ll tell you what he is. He’s just a regular guy and what’s cool about that? No, we want something that distinguishes us from Mr. Millicent Bystander over there, something bursting with 661 horsepower (even guys who don’t know what ‘horsepower’ means still drool at the word) something that can go from zero to 100 miles per hour in 7.5 seconds, something sporty and classy at the same time. For instance; fuzzy red dice! I’ve always wanted a pair of those. Also, a set of awesome neon lights. You know that luminescent glow on the base of street racing cars that make them look like a flying saucer ready to take off? Yeah, add those to my virtual cart.

While we’re on this whole millionaire thing, why not add a vanity tag? Something like… BOOOYAH, WERZURZ? COP B8 or even: ICANTBELIEVEIMFINALLYDRIVINGTHECAROFMYDREAMS!  I could run into trouble getting that to fit… and, considering it’s not customary to put bumper stickers on Lamborghinis, I suppose I’ll have to keep thinking. It would be good to keep in mind that; besides the USA, the UK, Australia and New Zealand; the countries of Austria, Denmark, Finland, Hong Kong, Latvia, Luxembourg, Poland, Slovenia, Iceland and Sweden ALL allow vanity plates. Some are completely custom, others only halfway and some with mandatory pink tassels. The point is: if this has inspired you to revamp your car’s backside and you live in one of those nations, you’re in luck.

How fun would that be passing sports cars on the Autobahn tossing off one-liners like Legolas from The Lord of the Rings: “That BMW trouble you? Mercedes are for ladies! Porsche Dork!” and many other rhyming soliloquies to be regretted for their corny lack of preparation at a later date.

This is the first of many Musings of a Mental Millionaire so… don’t go anywhere. But, if your presence is required elsewhere I suppose I could settle for you tuning in next time, same time, same station, for another episode of Devastating The Obvious!

Money Image Sources
Car Image Sources

What would you do if you were one inch tall?


As a 6 foot 3 (and a 1/2) inch physical specimen (something I’ve always liked about myself), I’ve had the good fortune to avoid most all inferiority complexes, potato chips on my shoulder and looking up to most people. I’m not a prideful twit but I’ve always been a pretty secure human being living my life as the tallest one in the class, surveying the basketball court from the greatest height, ALWAYS being the one people ask to reach stuff but… what if I was one inch tall?

I’m sure some people would decide to build a clubhouse of leaves in their backyard while others would try something cliche like helping people or sleeping in a wallet but… Honestly? I would probably end up getting into a lot of trouble >:) The list adventures you could have as a pigmy person are endless.  Riding in every toy, taming every infinitesimal bug and animal, commandeering an ant farm, the world would become a much bigger place to say the least.  I came up with a looooong list of ideas BUT instead decided to share this poem by Shel Silverstein with you.

If you were only one inch tall, you’d ride a worm to school.
The teardrop of a crying ant would be your swimming pool.
A crumb of cake would be a feast
And last you seven days at least,
A flea would be a frightening beast
If you were one inch tall.

If you were only one inch tall, you’d walk beneath the door,
And it would take about a month to get down to the store.
A bit of fluff would be your bed,
You’d swing upon a spider’s thread,
And wear a thimble on your head
If you were one inch tall.

You’d surf across the kitchen sink upon a stick of gum.
You couldn’t hug your mama, you’d just have to hug her thumb.
You’d run from people’s feet in fright,
To move a pen would take all night,
(This poem took fourteen years to write–
‘Cause I’m just one inch tall).

Not a whole lot of ways to follow such a great literary work but I will do my best with a question. Tell me. What would you do if you were one inch tall?

The Facebook Equation*


© Captain Obvious
*Despite the ominous title, little to no math skills are required in the reading of this post.

With over 500 million active users spending 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook, it’s a safe bet that, if you’re reading this, you have a Facebook account. I would like to open the discussion with a passage out of Facebook. I hope this verse, originally composed by my close friend (who has shared custody of my middle name) Kenny V. Anderson, will give us some insight into the modern transcendence of social networking.

The 23rd Facebook

The Facebook is my shepherd, I shall not poke.

It maketh me to lie down with my smart phone

It leadeth me beside the computer, it restoreth my old friendships.

It leadeth me in the paths of comments, for my ego’s sake

Yea, though I scroll through the valley of misspelling,

I will fear no grammar, for emoticons are with me.

Your likes and your comments, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an event before me in the presence of my newsfeed.

Thou anointeth my wall with statuses, my suggestions runneth over.

Surely friends and strangers shall follow me all the days of my life.

I will dwell on the wall of my profile forever. lol.

As the title suggests, my topic today specifically relates to the adding and deleting of friends, mainly, the thought process, internal questions and deciding factors applicable to linking yourself with another human being in the universe.  We live in a world where a deletion on Facebook can serve as an end to a real life friendship. An oversight such as not changing your single status on Facebook can lead to the demise of a relationship (on the Relationship Don’ts List it goes #1 Cheating… #2 Not updating your relationship status).

We’ve all asked ourselves the question (especially regarding people we haven’t ACTUALLY met), whether for a fleeting instant or what seems like an eternity… should I add this person? Many factors come into play at this point. Do I want to be associated with this person? Will they like my status posts? Will Bob get mad if I add Bill? But do they like macaroni and cheese?

We need to face both reality and the music (but mostly reality because we already KNOW music is intrinsically awesome). It comes down to our image, our freedom from other people’s opinions and our personal definition of the word friend. C’mon people, don’t be Jack Black from Shallow Hal, say yes to friendship and the unexplored world of a new individual being a part of your life! That’s the way to win friends and influence people but… whatever you do… make sure you know WHY you do it. If you didn’t get anything else out of this post I hope you got that. If you’re self aware no one can stop you, whether in the social or business world, Friday night bowling or spelunking off the coast of South America. Follow your dreams.

(If your wondering how we got from Facebook>Poems>Adding&Deleting People>Questions>Reality&Music>True Motives>Know Why You Do>Cave Diving In Brazil. That’s how. Now back to the conclusion.)

In conclusion, the conclusion is obvious. Know why you do what you do and you will be able to repeat what works and weed out that which has set you back. Expand that circle of influence. This starts in our minds and in our virtual world, social networking.

Well, there’s 5 minutes and 32 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.

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