The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Humorous”

Sidekick Wars (Final Four)


Throughout both cinematic and world history, sidekicks have both inspired and amused the populace. I would like to start by mentioning sidekicks that didn’t make the Final Four. What is the Final Four you ask? It is a compilation of what I believe to be the four most legitimately awesome sidekicks.

Honorable Mention: Barnie Fife almost made it in. Sometimes we here in the production staff have to make cuts in the best interest of the blog and this was one of them. Another was Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. “I can’t carry it for you… but I can carry you!” Other deserving competitors include (but are not limited to: Jiminy Cricket from Pinnochio, Frozone from The Incredibles, Buzz Lightyear, some made a strong case for Al Gore before his role in Dumb & Dumber, the entire Apple Dumpling Gang, Silent Bob from Clerks, and Sancho Pazza of Don Quixote.

Helpful, stinky, awkward, tag-a-longs, third-wheel, odd-man-out, excess baggage, friend, partner, companion, names; whatever you call them, sidekicks are the backbone of active storytelling.

THE FINAL FOUR BEST SIDEKICKS 

4. Patrick Star: Our pink friend lives under a rock (literally) and has 10 jobs to his resume. He has invented 3 tools we use every day, the Pencil, the Light Bulb and the Mirror (also known as ‘a parallel universe’) as well as the Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker and Ukulele Tuner 9000 . Patrick has assumed many aliases throughout his career as sidekick but Patricia, The Elastic Waistband,King Patrick, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, and The Pink Patty are a few of them. I don’t think I need to say much more.

3. Dr Watson: I’ve always felt some symbiotic connection between this old chap and I. If not for his existence, Sherlock would have no one to say “Elementary” to. He’s helped in countless escapades against evil and criminality the globe over. I always liked to think he and Mr. Holmes were bros just like us nowadays when I played as a kid. This is more of a personal selection but it’s gotta be here nonetheless.

2. Robin: Batman‘s side kick in action made all the headlines and movie covers and won the spot as the first loser here in the sidekick contest (which is ironic because you’re kinda number two already as a sidekick…no matter). I’d have said the true sidekick was Alfred, his butler. That was until I saw this picture on Batman’s facebook status update the other day. So now I don’t know what to believe.

1. Chewbacca. My favorite extraterrestrial bro is a gargantuan heap of shaggadelic fuzz who streaks around the galaxy naked, save for a bandolier. He will ask to pass the salt by howling. He’ll rip the arms off a droid if you even think about cheating in a game of intergalactic chess. Face it, you’re not going to run across anyone like that on a day-to-day basis. He is unusually competent as a sidekick and that separates him from the rest of the pack. Chewbacca is science fiction, in hairy, barking fashion. While he’s definitely not human, he’s more of the man’s best friend type.. Just don’t ask him to fetch. Wookiees hate that.

Don't mess.

 

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R.I.P. Mr. Playa


 In the spirit of the Christmas season… what’s the difference between Santa and Chuck Norris? Mr. Claus only has 3 ho’s  😉

I’ve been characterized as quite the player of late. Due to my natural charm, dashing good looks and ever-present sense of humor… the females came pretty easy this year. By the way, if you don’t know what a player is, it is one who has the elusive ‘game’ factor or one who has game. Allow me to define it in this blow-by-blow from the show How I Met Your Mother.

Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. You can’t spell ‘game’ without ‘me’, and ‘me’ has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I’m a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I’m the New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I’m The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Typical players. I can relate. They like attention but some of them can be good guys at heart too… and that’s what I always shoot for. Well to get to the point of my story… I met a girl I really like and have had to cease and desist from my untamed gallivanting. Alas… it will be missed but it’s for a good cause. She’s just an undeniably gorgeous person inside and out and I’m looking to see where this leads. Who knows? Within a month I may be back into the single scene, breaking hearts and going crazy as usual or I might be settled down a bit and doing something productive with my life. Oh and did i mention she’s a good influence on me?

In conclusion: Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky and once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants today are known as giraffes. And now time for a random episode of… what’s wrong with this picture?

A Short Story


Bob and Olga had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He was as tall as a 6 foot 3 inch tree and lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. She had eyes like two brown circles with big black dots in the center and a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. They were perfect for each other.

It was the 13th of July, Barbershop Music Appreciation Day and Embrace Your Geekness Day (look it up). The stage was set for an epic romance.

Bob looked up from his lonely bench and saw Olga riding her Segway through the park. She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Suddenly, shot’s rang out (as shots are wont to do) and our beloved Bob looked down to find a red spot spreading from his funny bone. He had been shot in the elbow… and it hurt. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. His eyes stayed open just long enough to see the girl on the Segway turn back to investigate the sounds. Thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Then all went black.

Olga leaned over Bob… “Sir! Sir! Wake up!” in an attractively thick accent.

The sky had gone dark. The hailstones leaped from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Bob’s eyes flickered open to see her hair glistening in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He smiled and she smiled back. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. When he spoke… she read his lips. Because she was deaf. She helped him up and got him to a hospital. They searched far and wide for the mysterious gunman that had brought them together but to no avail. Bob learned sign language, Olga became a ballerina and they lived happily ever after in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

THE END

From hanging out to hungover…


It was a Thursday night last night!? Suddenly there’s a party goin on and I’m downing bottles like there’s no tomorrow (for my liver). Unfortunately there was a tomorrow. Which is today. I was seriously out of it, don’t remember most of it. My favorite author was the guy who wrote, ‘Pull tab to open’. Found out one of my friends is friends with Star Wars and Jesus on Facebook (as he put it) which I thought made him pretty cool. I talked a lot. That’s the thing about alcohol. Hard A in = secrets out… and sometimes chunks if you have too much. Gotta love it. Drunkenness is bottled madness they say but I am quite the happy drunk. I don’t drink all the time but when I do I don’t take any prisoners, that’s for sure (I’m not completely sober yet so you will have to forgive me). I’m no lightweight but last night’s impact was equal to the time they gave alcohol to Eskimos. It helped that I hadn’t eaten most of the day.  Apparently I had a random girl call one of my very good girl friends ( 😉 ) and leave a voice mail telling her I really liked her. I told some girl her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. I also made the astute observation that a red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Oh joy 🙂

“35 Seconds!”


“35 seconds!” My mom said. I was visiting with my parents and the unexpected declaration regarding this measurement of time caught me off guard. “It’s been 35 seconds since you touched your hair! A new record!”. Then it came to me.

“Wh-whaaaat?” I said, feigning innocence. Yet another habit publicly exposed along with biting my nails and the rest of my somewhat OCD compilation. I recently started using conditioner and… well the results have made my hair quite succulent to the touch. Little did I know how attractive. I was messing with it every 10 seconds.However, this is not a new thing, it has just recently become more noticeable.

In tracing back my psychological steps to the origin of this habit a wave of memory washed over me. As a kid I loved the book Count of Monte Cristo and when the movie came out it instantly rose to the top of my Favorites List. In that movie Jim Caviezel (playing Edmond Dantes, the Count) is a tall, dark and handsome rogue (much like myself) who is imprisoned, finds treasure, exacts revenge from his enemies and in the end his old fiance recognizes him by how he twists his hair with his fingers.

Naturally I thought… what if I am to be married someday and get locked in prison for 50 billion years and come back out and get rich and need to be recognized by my former bride-to-be? To make a long story short I started twisting my hair behind me ear with my right hand and have been doing it ever since. I have (as of yet) never been engaged, gotten rich or been thrown in prison but I’m sure that fateful day lies just around the corner… and when it does come I will be prepared for it.

Now, I don’t suffer from some kind of disease and I’m not OCD in the least (In fact I’m kind of a slob sometimes) but there’s one other thing I always do. I have a drinking problem (it’s not what you think). When getting a drink from a cup (new or one I’ve used previously) I will always rinse it out three times in the sink before filling it. If I happen to rinse it four time by accident I will make it an even six but not five or seven. Always in multiples of three. Okay now… *retrieving memory from mind dump* the origin of this habit also came from a book I read as a child. In this book the evil King was poisoned by his son who then washed the royal cup out three times before drinking as the new King. Still not sure exactly why I found that important in the least but I rarely find myself NOT washing the cup I drink out of at least three times (just to be safe, I don’t have an evil son and I’m not a King but one never knows I suppose). Weird huh?

I also chew on pens and pencils with a vengeance but enough of MY trivial pursuits. I would like to hear if any of you have weird or even normal habits, especially if you can remember how they started and why and even if you can’t… give it your best shot! 🙂

Source

Making Waves


© Captain Obvious 2011

For all of you who’s limbs have risen in salute to your fellow man and the thought crossed your brain… “Is there a method to this madness?”… and for the rest of you who do not partake in such frivolity but can appreciate a good laugh I have composed a comprehensive guide to ‘the wave’ as we know it.

It seems as though we now have at least 6 different types of wavers (for all of which I will use the term “guy” for convenience sake):

The Pre-Emptive Waver: This is someone who enjoys being a waver and waves at everybody, their mother and her cat Fluffy. He starts waving from at least a quarter of a mile away to make sure that you will see that he waved and is expecting the return wave. (Note: Pre-Emptive Wavers symptoms may include [but are not limited to] over-excitement and nervous energy. Side effects can lead to friends pretending they don’t know them and relational estrangement.)

The Late Waver: The guy who was actually waiting for you to wave first, but since you didn’t, the guilt of leaving a fellow homosapien un-waved is too much to bear. He waves at the last possible moment. If you try to give the return wave you are forced to look like A) You’ve run into a spider web B) You’re being chased by a bee or C) A retard.

The Perfectly Timed Waver: The guy who waves at just the right time to be cool, but allows enough time to get a return wave with no extra effort on your part. PTW’s are few and far between. (~RRA~Random Relationship Advice >)If you are looking for the cookie cutter, white house with a picket fence life with 1.89 children, marry a PTW. They will not disappoint.

The Accidental Waver: The guy reaching for his sunblock visor, sunglasses or sunscreen (I know what you’re thinkin’. Sunscreen? What if you’re at the beach? And yes it’s creepy that the Accidental Waver seems to only reach for items with the word “sun” in them… I’ll look into that). Too late you realize that the gesture was meant for an inanimate object and the initial rush of being noticed is replaced with rejection. Such is life.

The Liability Waver: This guy is really not a fan of the wave but will give a half smile and slight raise of the arm if he feels liable and cannot escape said gesture. He will rarely be a First Waver and is much closer to a Non-Waver than a Waver.

The Wave Shunner: This guy will be the only one not participating in a whole stadium of sports fans doing the wave and is therefore (clearly) a lost cause. Trying to force a social gesture on this guy is like a piece of dropped toast landing on the floor butter side up, it’ll never happen.

I‘m sure you’ve experienced most of these wavers somewhere along the line and fit into one (or parts) of these stereotypes. Still, only you know who you are. It takes a lot of personal security to wave at someone you don’t know. What if they’re a Wave Shunner? Then you you feel somewhat offended and spend the next couple of miles (if you’re driving… yards if you’re walking) trying to figure out why you were snubbed.  A few of these instances can actually give you a Late Waver complex.  All viable questions that only trial and error will answer.

The Types Of Waves

There are also 5 different types of waves applicable to all types of wavers:

The Right Angle Wave: This is the open palmed, arm bent at the elbow 90° with the fingers pointed straight up much like a jointed stick figure. This wave can also be mistaken as a right turn signal in traffic.

The Hail Hitler Wave: This wave is performed with the arm fully extended and slightly angled with the fingers pressed together as to resemble the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. A favorite of the Pre-Emptive Waver at long distances, this motion tends to revolt waving reciprocation 99.9% of the time.

The Cool Finger Wave: The peace sign. The pointer finger. The finger gun. This wave will get you shot in some neighborhoods but as such is a clear sign of its demonstrator’s invincibility.

The Miss America Wave: (not restricted to women unfortunately): Resembling a windshield wiper. “Elbow, wrist… elbow, wrist.” This is with the left arm elevated and hand moving side to side like you actually know the person you are waving at.  This wave can usually be seen coming from wanna-be prom queens, arrogant snobs and the Kardashians (but I repeat myself).

The Head Nod: This is a totally chill, very vogue response in lieu of a bona fide wave. Very popular among adolescents and men chewing toothpicks. A Head Nod exchange is indicative of mutual recognition for the others in-crowd status (applicable to the mafia, mobsters, gangs and teenage cliques).

Modus Operandi

What do you do when passing a group of say…7 people? Will one long wave take care of the whole group? Or does it require 7 individual waves, up and down? What about the ‘going the same direction’ wave? Does this require a wave or a nod or both? And with all the commotion in Japan… is it politically incorrect to talk about waves in such a witty and humorous manner?  These are all questions that inquiring minds need to ask.

Find Your Wave

The only way to find and recognize your wave and waver type is to try it. Next time you feel the urge to greet someone with a raising of the arm and a spreading of the fingers… just do it! Record the results in your brain and tell me on here WHO YOU ARE and better yet (if you’re way ahead of me) do it right now. I wanna know!

Happy Waving.

Buh-bye.

The Facebook Equation*


© Captain Obvious
*Despite the ominous title, little to no math skills are required in the reading of this post.

With over 500 million active users spending 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook, it’s a safe bet that, if you’re reading this, you have a Facebook account. I would like to open the discussion with a passage out of Facebook. I hope this verse, originally composed by my close friend (who has shared custody of my middle name) Kenny V. Anderson, will give us some insight into the modern transcendence of social networking.

The 23rd Facebook

The Facebook is my shepherd, I shall not poke.

It maketh me to lie down with my smart phone

It leadeth me beside the computer, it restoreth my old friendships.

It leadeth me in the paths of comments, for my ego’s sake

Yea, though I scroll through the valley of misspelling,

I will fear no grammar, for emoticons are with me.

Your likes and your comments, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an event before me in the presence of my newsfeed.

Thou anointeth my wall with statuses, my suggestions runneth over.

Surely friends and strangers shall follow me all the days of my life.

I will dwell on the wall of my profile forever. lol.

As the title suggests, my topic today specifically relates to the adding and deleting of friends, mainly, the thought process, internal questions and deciding factors applicable to linking yourself with another human being in the universe.  We live in a world where a deletion on Facebook can serve as an end to a real life friendship. An oversight such as not changing your single status on Facebook can lead to the demise of a relationship (on the Relationship Don’ts List it goes #1 Cheating… #2 Not updating your relationship status).

We’ve all asked ourselves the question (especially regarding people we haven’t ACTUALLY met), whether for a fleeting instant or what seems like an eternity… should I add this person? Many factors come into play at this point. Do I want to be associated with this person? Will they like my status posts? Will Bob get mad if I add Bill? But do they like macaroni and cheese?

We need to face both reality and the music (but mostly reality because we already KNOW music is intrinsically awesome). It comes down to our image, our freedom from other people’s opinions and our personal definition of the word friend. C’mon people, don’t be Jack Black from Shallow Hal, say yes to friendship and the unexplored world of a new individual being a part of your life! That’s the way to win friends and influence people but… whatever you do… make sure you know WHY you do it. If you didn’t get anything else out of this post I hope you got that. If you’re self aware no one can stop you, whether in the social or business world, Friday night bowling or spelunking off the coast of South America. Follow your dreams.

(If your wondering how we got from Facebook>Poems>Adding&Deleting People>Questions>Reality&Music>True Motives>Know Why You Do>Cave Diving In Brazil. That’s how. Now back to the conclusion.)

In conclusion, the conclusion is obvious. Know why you do what you do and you will be able to repeat what works and weed out that which has set you back. Expand that circle of influence. This starts in our minds and in our virtual world, social networking.

Well, there’s 5 minutes and 32 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.

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