The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Girl”

Frankly madam? I don’t give a damn.


There are some things that attract me to a girl and some things I honestly couldn’t care less about. The list is shorter on this side but just as accurate and potent.

Your Ex: Unless he gives us a reason to kick his ass. We won’t admit it but… anything you mention he did differently (god forbid better) we endeavor to top with our own masculine acts of indefinite awesomeness.

Your salary: We want you to fulfill your dreams but we don’t want to know how much they paid you to do it.

Your muscles: flexibility is highly attractive. Brute strength is not. Deal with it.

The End

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The First Things I Notice About A Girl


I’ve had many of my close (and some not so close) female friends ask me this question and I’ve decided its high time I answered it in written form. “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The truth hurts sometimes but if you’re wider than you are tall, have a mole the size of your nose on your face or a voice as deep as Josh Turner… I won’t really look twice. But! If I was to compile a 100% honest list of what I notice first in a girl who catches my eye it would be this.

1. Eyes. Now I’m not saying this to be romantic or cliché and I have no preferred eye color but what I do look for is that sparkle that tells me you’re alive. That you’re going somewhere with your life that’s fun and that I might want to go to with you. The eyes can experience a connection unique to any other. They are ‘the window to the soul’.

2. Personality and smarts. Fun, intelligent, creative, girly with a deep and slightly romantic side 🙂 That’s my personal preference. Someone unique and insightful… something that intrigues me to want to discover their world and become a part of it. I could call you every name in the book and, if I haven’t pulled out the word ‘boring’ yet, you haven’t hit rock bottom. Guys want a girl that will bring something they don’t have into their life.

3. Face/Body. Like I said I’m being 100% honest. I know people have problems and issues and blah dee blah dee blah but I’m talking about what attracts me to a female as a guy. A cute face (in a foxy, coy way) is quite attractive. Being pretty, skinny, taking care of yourself, having the ability to move (athletic-ish), and of course the eyes always gravitate toward the lovely curvatures of the female body… None of these hurt… at all.

4. Smile/Laugh. I separate this from the facial category because when a beautiful girl smiles it’s like… you just discovered a new color previously unknown to mankind. And when she smiles at you it’s like you invented that color. The reason this is so far down on the list is due to the fact that you may or may not see this wonderful feature when interacting with the girl for the first time (if you guys out there have any game at all you will make it a point to make her laugh). A genuine laugh is priceless in this day and age.

5. Voice. She has to be well spoken and put effort into her vocabulary (or at least flatter me by trying to learn 😛 ). No whining or annoying voices allowed, without exception. This can also be a great showcase for your personality and smarts (or lack thereof).

6. Hair. I like my women tall and blonde in most cases but that’s personal preference and subject to change. Not exclusive either (I make exceptions 😉 ) Again, you have to take care of yourself . The psychology behind how a girl styles her hair for better or worse is a huge indicator of her take on life (and whether the guy likes it or not is a compatibility factor for sure). I think long hair is more feminine and that’s my preference.

7. Similar Tastes. The reason this is last (but definitely not least) is that the information is usually acquired last. After the first 6. I’ll have looked into your eyes, gotten a general feel for your personality and intelligence, seen your face and body, we better have made you smile and laugh and heard your voice and seen your hair. From there? If the first 6 pass the test then it’s up to see where you’re headed and if it’s in the same direction as me.

I may edit and update this post as I remember and revise various stances toward a woman’s features but as of now this is my best synopsis. Enjoy ladies and gentlemen alike! Tell me your opinions, however different or similar they may be. I hope this helps any girls still in a quandary about what a guy is looking for. Coming up: Things Us Guys Don’t Give a Damn About In A Girl  😉 Until then, au revoir.

I Speak Fluent Foodish


When questioning certain females as to the nature of their virtually non-existent eating habits, it quickly became evident that this was way out of my league… so naturally I took it and ran with it. I was informed that this is not a simple issue, with large words people don’t usually understand like ‘metabolism’ and ‘food‘. They couldn’t have known I have a second language. I speak fluent Foodish.

These girls are all “Oh yes I had this crumb for breakfast. Oh so delicious! And then the speck I picked off my plate for lunch? Mmm… scrumptious and that DINNER! OMG, words can’t describe how good that 1/32 of cake tasted!” Aspiring models reading Vogue Magazine and bragging about how little they ate… Really? First of all, that’s very dangerous. Everyone knows the leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

NEWSFLASH: There’s a line in the sand between taking care of yourself and starvation. One stick figure of a friend actually gave this retort when questioned. “Well, there’s starving kids in Africa.” From personal experience, this statement will suffice as an answer for most questions on any subject… you should try it sometime! However, in THIS instance it was completely off topic. At least try to give me a slightly entertaining answer like “I’m trying to minimize my body mass so the aliens will have a harder time spotting me from space.”

Now, realistically, I can’t speak for all my sex (keep reading…) but I will do my best. I don’t claim to be a relationship expert but in the process of devastating the obvious I find it my duty to the blogosphere to give it my best shot. What man wants to hang around someone who pukes at the mention of food? That rules out like… half of our conversation topics and seeing how much you all like to talk, that’s mutually painful.

A walking coat hanger ready to faint never did anyone any good. Everyone wants to get SOMETHING out of life whether it be helping others, having fun, leaving a legacy etc (email me if you don’t want to get something out of life, you have issues). What we DO want is a real, live human being who doesn’t have to pursue their twisted view of ‘perfect’ all the time. We don’t want to have to look through a telescope to see your personality up close and personal. At the same time, we shouldn’t have to use a microscope to verify your waistline still exists.

My point isn’t as barbaric as “guys like curves”. It’s not about being the perfect model or a sex symbol. If you have to starve something, starve the ego. No one wants or needs a victim of self-image obsession, male, female, skinny or otherwise. I realize I’m targeting a select group of people with this post but it’s because there’s a very conscious choice involved. I hope that this article’s perspective has shed some new light on the subject. If so, this gentleman has accomplished his goal.

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