The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Funny”

The Oxford Comma: Just Use It


Squirrel Thoughts

Oxford comma-nistas around the world are having a heyday over a recent push alert sent by Sky News, which they believe is the end-all, be-all argument in favor of their precious punctuation mark.

Comma

Now, let’s be clear: The Oxford comma is necessary in this “sentence” as it’s written. Obviously, there are some pretty serious implications without it. However, this whole “sentence,” if you can even call it that, could be rewritten for clarity, and we would not have been subjected to all this nonsense in the first place. The Oxford comma-nistas would never suggest that though!

See, the purpose of a comma when used in a list is to replace the word “and.” When you use an Oxford comma in a list of three or more items, it’s redundant. You’re essentially writing “and and.” And that’s just silly.

Let me spell it out for you using another famed Oxford comma-nista example:…

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Jack of all trades, master of none.


I’d like to open this post with a quick shoutout to the blogosphere. It’s been a while but I’ve renewed my domain in the wordpress kingdom (both literally and figuratively) and I’m back with a vengeance! Today I’d like to unveil the first in a mini-series on posers. People that pretend to perform the duties of a position perfectly but can’t produce palpable papers when put to the question.

Webster defines the word poser as

1. “Someone who poses.”

I thought my definition had somewhat of a ring to it but you’re free choose whichever you prefer.

In these episodes we will be primarily discussing those who’ve lied or otherwise used some medium of subterfuge to mislead others regarding their occupation and (as the title of this post suggests) our subject today is closely tied with the medical field.  funny doctor x ray photo There are many reasons to falsify details about your employment. Perhaps you’re trying to charm a prospective mate or you’re in the presence of a similarly gendered individual you intend to eclipse with your tales of fame and fortune. Maybe you’re an unfortunate sitcom character stuck in a mire of mystifying misunderstandings. Or… if you’re Matthew Scheidt, maybe you accidentally were given the wrong ID badge and decided that life has handed you lemons and you fully intend to make lemonade.

Scheidt, a 17-year-old Florida adolescent, born and bred, worked as a clerk in a doctor’s office. He was sent to nearby Osceola Regional Medical Center to pick up his employee ID. The office at the hospital was a busy one, and as a result Scheidt was punched into the system as a bona fide physician assistant, instead of Office Drone #923 that he was. Most people would have become slightly annoyed, corrected the mistake, and proceeded with their daily routine. Scheidt, on the other hand, took one look at his ill gotten credentials and thought: “I’m a medical professional now! It’s time to see the look on an innocent patient’s face when I’M the one placing the icy ear of a stethoscope recently recovered from the North Pole on a helpless victim’s chest.”

Scheidt pilfered some scrubs, a stethoscope (from the freezer I am sure) and wandered away to the depths of the hospital in search of prospective patients. How long would it take for YOU to be caught doing something like that? A couple of hours? A few days? Nope — for several fucking weeks, this acne afflicted adolescent went all Neil Patrick Harris, Doogie Howsering his way around the emergency room and hospital staff.

Despite looking more like Napoleon Dynamite than a Physician Assistant, he was overwhelmingly convincing and knew a boatload of hospital terminology (it simply didn’t occur to his new-found colleagues that so does literally everyone who has ever watched Grey’s Anatomy, House or any crime show on TV). Matthew was able to spout a few words ending in ‘itis’ and seeing as his ID checked out, he was allowed to roam free, handling IVs, conducting medical exams with real professionals, and he even administered CPR to an overdosing patient.

This NOT how I imagined my first kiss..

This NOT how I imagined my first kiss..

nurse

Matthew was eventually apprehended by law enforcement before he accidentally killed anyone in THAT occupational field. Undaunted by his brief incarceration, only months after his arrest, our out-on-bail hero fashioned himself to be a police officer. As luck would have it, a genuine undercover cop happened to bump into Scheidt, who was sitting in a FULLY EQUIPPED  undercover police vehicle, typing away on the dashboard computer and gleefully identifying as an officer of the law. Scheidt even reprimanded the authentic law enforcement officer for not wearing his seat belt! When perplexed police officers searched the car, they found it stuffed to the brim with cop gear: By some means, Matthew had managed to get his sticky hands on an Osceola County sheriff’s shirt, a real badge, handcuffs, and a stolen police radio. Oh yes, also a Taser and a fully loaded handgun. I am almost bummed we didn’t get to see this facade play out as long as the last.

In conclusion: pay close attention to your employees qualifications. I don’t want to go to a “dentist” and see a mallet labeled “Anesthesia”.

Make The Little Things Count. Teach Midgets Math.


Based On A True Story…

I recently returned from a 5 month stint in sunny Phoenix, Arizona to my small hometown in the panoramic mountains of north-eastern Washington. A few days before I left I visited the King Fish restaurant in downtown Tempe for a business meeting and there the plot proceeded to thicken. What does the valley of the sun, sea food or alpine scenery have to do with the title of this post? Humor me and hopefully I can humor you with that revelation.

As I opened the door for my business associate to enter the restaurant, out came the tiniest person I’d ever seen! The grey hair, wrinkles and cane stood (maybe) 3 foot tall on a good day. Defying the laws of physics, she peered over her oversized sunglasses up at my 6 foot 4 inch frame with a snide “Humph” and then proceeded to make her way out to the parking lot and what I can only assume must have been a step-ladder and one of those overpriced novelty baby strollers they call a ‘smart car’.

I thought nothing of the midget sighting till I spotted a similarly sized fellow at the Phoenix airport… and another gnome like individual in Spokane when I arrived home! Ever since that fateful day in the grand canyon state the sightings have increased exponentially; at the grocery store, at the gas station, in the children’s clothing section. At first it was singly, then in pairs, threesomes and recently congregating in both dark and light alleys while brandishing potato-peelers and burning XL clothing. Sensing a disturbance in the force, I have taken it upon myself to research and encapsulate the scope of what we are about to face.

Midgets get shot out of cannons and ride rockets every day ( check out www.hireamidget.com if you’re interested). From midget car racing to midget wrestling and boxing to online midget tossing, TLC’s bad habit of making shows about them and the popular belief in their possession of magical powers in cyberspace, it’s time someone stuck up for the little guy. If I could refrain from a look of amused fascination every time I laid eyes on one then perhaps I would be that guy, but I’m not! Who doesn’t like watching little people battle? Those T-rex arms look cute until you see them kick ass and simultaneously instill within you a fear of small children and/or midgets. It’s like watching 1st graders fight if 1st graders knew Kung Fu.

What if the little people have finally had enough of being thirsty near water fountains, using nerd candies as jawbreakers and society as a whole looking down on them? The list of reasons for a global David vs. Goliath like confrontation is endless. I have it on good authority that from 1691 to 1695, midgets were legal tender in Austria. Even crowded elevators must smell differently to a midget. What if there is an organized effort for worldwide pigmy domination? What if height(or lack thereof)-ism is the new racism? This point of contention may dwarf in comparison but wars have been started over smaller things (all kinds of pun intended but for example, a postage stamp started the Chaco War). Yes, I’m talking about combat! Skirmishes! Onslaughts! And in some rare cases… even death.

I remained in denial right up until I heard about the psychic midget who escaped from jail, saw the headlines “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE” and realized this mystical little fellow must be their leader. Slowly but surely I have connected the dots. In short, I’m all for more education, awareness and peaceful resolution on the subject. In closing, watch your knee caps, keep your friends close and make the little things count. Teach midgets math.

Mental Musings


Anybody else imagine an emoticon winky face making a clinking sound when it winks like change falling into a coffer of various coins? Nobody? I’ve always had an interesting mind (and when I say interesting I mean abstract, most likely ADHD and definitely random) but recently I’ve realized how odd it really is. I notice it particularly when I think back out loud in my head (I’ve perfected this art) and go back over what I just thought. If it we’re a radio station it wouldn’t be lying about “more variety”.

Do you ever think about English words in pure noise form? DOOR. You look like such a dork saying that word. And there’s another one, dork. I’ve heard it to be defined as a male blue whale‘s reproductive organ but there are many interpretations. Then you get into the words that make you sound like Justin Bieber; “frothy, moist, supple”. But I digress.

I always find myself looking at certain situations and fantasizing about applying the same strategies in completely different situations in life. Like board games? Have you ever played Monopoly? Well Free Parking is where you land on a space and get all the money in the middle of the board that people have payed in throughout the game and it’s got this red parking meter fire-hydrant-lookin’-thing marking the space. Now… me being me… I began to think how awesome would that be! Getting paid to park? Sounds like a game show. “YOU’VE WON 1 MILLION DOLLARS!” Bob Barker walkin’ down the street, you’re posing with girls and confetti and everything…. then Ashton Kutcher walks up… “SUCKER! You’ve been Punk’d!” He trips and busts his head open, Bob disappears through a man hole, the girls get off break and have to go back to work at Hooters as a giant vacuum cleaner sucks up the red carpet, confetti and your car and you’re stuck with a murder scene (minus one car). No thank you. I knew there was a reason I’ve always hated that game.

Sidekick Wars (Final Four)


Throughout both cinematic and world history, sidekicks have both inspired and amused the populace. I would like to start by mentioning sidekicks that didn’t make the Final Four. What is the Final Four you ask? It is a compilation of what I believe to be the four most legitimately awesome sidekicks.

Honorable Mention: Barnie Fife almost made it in. Sometimes we here in the production staff have to make cuts in the best interest of the blog and this was one of them. Another was Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. “I can’t carry it for you… but I can carry you!” Other deserving competitors include (but are not limited to: Jiminy Cricket from Pinnochio, Frozone from The Incredibles, Buzz Lightyear, some made a strong case for Al Gore before his role in Dumb & Dumber, the entire Apple Dumpling Gang, Silent Bob from Clerks, and Sancho Pazza of Don Quixote.

Helpful, stinky, awkward, tag-a-longs, third-wheel, odd-man-out, excess baggage, friend, partner, companion, names; whatever you call them, sidekicks are the backbone of active storytelling.

THE FINAL FOUR BEST SIDEKICKS 

4. Patrick Star: Our pink friend lives under a rock (literally) and has 10 jobs to his resume. He has invented 3 tools we use every day, the Pencil, the Light Bulb and the Mirror (also known as ‘a parallel universe’) as well as the Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker and Ukulele Tuner 9000 . Patrick has assumed many aliases throughout his career as sidekick but Patricia, The Elastic Waistband,King Patrick, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, and The Pink Patty are a few of them. I don’t think I need to say much more.

3. Dr Watson: I’ve always felt some symbiotic connection between this old chap and I. If not for his existence, Sherlock would have no one to say “Elementary” to. He’s helped in countless escapades against evil and criminality the globe over. I always liked to think he and Mr. Holmes were bros just like us nowadays when I played as a kid. This is more of a personal selection but it’s gotta be here nonetheless.

2. Robin: Batman‘s side kick in action made all the headlines and movie covers and won the spot as the first loser here in the sidekick contest (which is ironic because you’re kinda number two already as a sidekick…no matter). I’d have said the true sidekick was Alfred, his butler. That was until I saw this picture on Batman’s facebook status update the other day. So now I don’t know what to believe.

1. Chewbacca. My favorite extraterrestrial bro is a gargantuan heap of shaggadelic fuzz who streaks around the galaxy naked, save for a bandolier. He will ask to pass the salt by howling. He’ll rip the arms off a droid if you even think about cheating in a game of intergalactic chess. Face it, you’re not going to run across anyone like that on a day-to-day basis. He is unusually competent as a sidekick and that separates him from the rest of the pack. Chewbacca is science fiction, in hairy, barking fashion. While he’s definitely not human, he’s more of the man’s best friend type.. Just don’t ask him to fetch. Wookiees hate that.

Don't mess.

 

Much Ado About Nothing*


I am posting today to bring awareness to an american travesty gone rampant in the very fast food joints we patronize every day of our existence. I’m not talking about the filthy preparation or despicable state of most restrooms. I’m not even talking about the repulsive things I’ve done in my past life as a waiter to people’s evening morsels. I’m here today to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. Snow blindness in cats has effected… NOT!

What I REALLY want to address is the ridiculous amount they can charge you for a 3 ounce (<measurement stated at random, correct me if you are privy to such information) of sour cream, or any condiment for that matter! It’s more than exorbitant, it’s robbery! One of my friends and I had this lengthy conversation not but months ago… why it just popped into my kranium we’ll never know.

 

Talk about fast food!

Unfortunately the corporate conspiracies that be have picked up on this fact and started to charge 50 cents or even a dollar for this wonderful dairy protege and it’s ilk. I am hereby boycotting any and all such thievery. No more sour cream for this guy. In closing I have a few questions… Who will join me? Is this a plague unique to my country or is a universal ploy?  I want to hear from my blogging counterparts across the globe on this subject.

You can take our lives... but... you will never take... our MCDONALDS!

*The next post will contain much more substantial material.

Christmas Observations


I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.

X4NCWM32RJ66

R.I.P. Mr. Playa


 In the spirit of the Christmas season… what’s the difference between Santa and Chuck Norris? Mr. Claus only has 3 ho’s  😉

I’ve been characterized as quite the player of late. Due to my natural charm, dashing good looks and ever-present sense of humor… the females came pretty easy this year. By the way, if you don’t know what a player is, it is one who has the elusive ‘game’ factor or one who has game. Allow me to define it in this blow-by-blow from the show How I Met Your Mother.

Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. You can’t spell ‘game’ without ‘me’, and ‘me’ has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I’m a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I’m the New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I’m The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Typical players. I can relate. They like attention but some of them can be good guys at heart too… and that’s what I always shoot for. Well to get to the point of my story… I met a girl I really like and have had to cease and desist from my untamed gallivanting. Alas… it will be missed but it’s for a good cause. She’s just an undeniably gorgeous person inside and out and I’m looking to see where this leads. Who knows? Within a month I may be back into the single scene, breaking hearts and going crazy as usual or I might be settled down a bit and doing something productive with my life. Oh and did i mention she’s a good influence on me?

In conclusion: Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky and once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants today are known as giraffes. And now time for a random episode of… what’s wrong with this picture?

A Short Story


Bob and Olga had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He was as tall as a 6 foot 3 inch tree and lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. She had eyes like two brown circles with big black dots in the center and a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. They were perfect for each other.

It was the 13th of July, Barbershop Music Appreciation Day and Embrace Your Geekness Day (look it up). The stage was set for an epic romance.

Bob looked up from his lonely bench and saw Olga riding her Segway through the park. She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Suddenly, shot’s rang out (as shots are wont to do) and our beloved Bob looked down to find a red spot spreading from his funny bone. He had been shot in the elbow… and it hurt. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. His eyes stayed open just long enough to see the girl on the Segway turn back to investigate the sounds. Thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Then all went black.

Olga leaned over Bob… “Sir! Sir! Wake up!” in an attractively thick accent.

The sky had gone dark. The hailstones leaped from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Bob’s eyes flickered open to see her hair glistening in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He smiled and she smiled back. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. When he spoke… she read his lips. Because she was deaf. She helped him up and got him to a hospital. They searched far and wide for the mysterious gunman that had brought them together but to no avail. Bob learned sign language, Olga became a ballerina and they lived happily ever after in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

THE END

From hanging out to hungover…


It was a Thursday night last night!? Suddenly there’s a party goin on and I’m downing bottles like there’s no tomorrow (for my liver). Unfortunately there was a tomorrow. Which is today. I was seriously out of it, don’t remember most of it. My favorite author was the guy who wrote, ‘Pull tab to open’. Found out one of my friends is friends with Star Wars and Jesus on Facebook (as he put it) which I thought made him pretty cool. I talked a lot. That’s the thing about alcohol. Hard A in = secrets out… and sometimes chunks if you have too much. Gotta love it. Drunkenness is bottled madness they say but I am quite the happy drunk. I don’t drink all the time but when I do I don’t take any prisoners, that’s for sure (I’m not completely sober yet so you will have to forgive me). I’m no lightweight but last night’s impact was equal to the time they gave alcohol to Eskimos. It helped that I hadn’t eaten most of the day.  Apparently I had a random girl call one of my very good girl friends ( 😉 ) and leave a voice mail telling her I really liked her. I told some girl her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. I also made the astute observation that a red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Oh joy 🙂

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