The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Fun”

A Tribute To The Mancave


You know it’s bad when you have random girls over for the sole purpose of having them wash your dishes. This thought occurred to me a couple months ago while I was flipping my burritos on the skillet with pliers (due to the lack of clean spatulas…). I’ve since had a few changes in my living situation but I will forever value that era of wallowing in glorious singlehood. I’m still single but I’ve given up the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I doubt I will ever descend to that level again but honestly, it was fun while it lasted. I wasn’t poor by any means but money always had a better, more adventurous place to go rather than basic hygiene. (Speaking of hygiene it is never funny to make fun of female hygiene… end of story. Period!)

Dane Cook:  “You know you’re a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you’ve got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That’s how sad and lonely you are. You won’t even buy bulbs.”

My friend recently pulled out some posters she’d saved from the mancave before it’s conquest and eventual evacuation. One was of Chuck Norris and various quotes denoting his ability to blow bubbles with beef jerky and the use of his hair in the making of bulletproof vests for law enforcement agencies across the planet… the other a list of what to do in the event of a zombie Apocalypse… 6. BOOBIES ARE GOOD (praising the pros of setting booby traps) etc.

50 inch TVs and two high powered gaming consoles adorned the den wall and the blinds were all eventually destroyed and replaced with blankets or sheets. Once again I’d like to reiterate my lack of desire to ever experience this again… I have much grander plans for my existence in this dog eat dog world. As I move up in the corporate hierarchy there are a few things I wouldn’t mind adding to the experience.

To each his own.

1. Pool. Complete with a sign declaring “Welcome to my _OOL, Notice there is no “P” in it. I’d like to keep it that way” (if there’s any other pool jokes floating around out there feel free to enlighten me). Throw in a hot tub, nearby trampoline and basketball hoop and we’ll be ready to rock and roll!

2. The universal house remote. A condo complete with mood buttons! I can press on the remote that adjust the aesthetics and lighting appropriately. You know you’ve made it when walls move, sounds permeate the air, lights change and your residence can turn into a club or a house of love at the touch of a button.

A few games of battle shots, chess shots, beer pong, ultimate beer pong, a stripper pole, a poker table, ping pong and a pool table and we are good to go! What would you put in your ultimate man cave men? And for the women… what do you secretly like about the mancave experience (perhaps)? GO! 🙂

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The First Things I Notice About A Girl


I’ve had many of my close (and some not so close) female friends ask me this question and I’ve decided its high time I answered it in written form. “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The truth hurts sometimes but if you’re wider than you are tall, have a mole the size of your nose on your face or a voice as deep as Josh Turner… I won’t really look twice. But! If I was to compile a 100% honest list of what I notice first in a girl who catches my eye it would be this.

1. Eyes. Now I’m not saying this to be romantic or cliché and I have no preferred eye color but what I do look for is that sparkle that tells me you’re alive. That you’re going somewhere with your life that’s fun and that I might want to go to with you. The eyes can experience a connection unique to any other. They are ‘the window to the soul’.

2. Personality and smarts. Fun, intelligent, creative, girly with a deep and slightly romantic side 🙂 That’s my personal preference. Someone unique and insightful… something that intrigues me to want to discover their world and become a part of it. I could call you every name in the book and, if I haven’t pulled out the word ‘boring’ yet, you haven’t hit rock bottom. Guys want a girl that will bring something they don’t have into their life.

3. Face/Body. Like I said I’m being 100% honest. I know people have problems and issues and blah dee blah dee blah but I’m talking about what attracts me to a female as a guy. A cute face (in a foxy, coy way) is quite attractive. Being pretty, skinny, taking care of yourself, having the ability to move (athletic-ish), and of course the eyes always gravitate toward the lovely curvatures of the female body… None of these hurt… at all.

4. Smile/Laugh. I separate this from the facial category because when a beautiful girl smiles it’s like… you just discovered a new color previously unknown to mankind. And when she smiles at you it’s like you invented that color. The reason this is so far down on the list is due to the fact that you may or may not see this wonderful feature when interacting with the girl for the first time (if you guys out there have any game at all you will make it a point to make her laugh). A genuine laugh is priceless in this day and age.

5. Voice. She has to be well spoken and put effort into her vocabulary (or at least flatter me by trying to learn 😛 ). No whining or annoying voices allowed, without exception. This can also be a great showcase for your personality and smarts (or lack thereof).

6. Hair. I like my women tall and blonde in most cases but that’s personal preference and subject to change. Not exclusive either (I make exceptions 😉 ) Again, you have to take care of yourself . The psychology behind how a girl styles her hair for better or worse is a huge indicator of her take on life (and whether the guy likes it or not is a compatibility factor for sure). I think long hair is more feminine and that’s my preference.

7. Similar Tastes. The reason this is last (but definitely not least) is that the information is usually acquired last. After the first 6. I’ll have looked into your eyes, gotten a general feel for your personality and intelligence, seen your face and body, we better have made you smile and laugh and heard your voice and seen your hair. From there? If the first 6 pass the test then it’s up to see where you’re headed and if it’s in the same direction as me.

I may edit and update this post as I remember and revise various stances toward a woman’s features but as of now this is my best synopsis. Enjoy ladies and gentlemen alike! Tell me your opinions, however different or similar they may be. I hope this helps any girls still in a quandary about what a guy is looking for. Coming up: Things Us Guys Don’t Give a Damn About In A Girl  😉 Until then, au revoir.

From hanging out to hungover…


It was a Thursday night last night!? Suddenly there’s a party goin on and I’m downing bottles like there’s no tomorrow (for my liver). Unfortunately there was a tomorrow. Which is today. I was seriously out of it, don’t remember most of it. My favorite author was the guy who wrote, ‘Pull tab to open’. Found out one of my friends is friends with Star Wars and Jesus on Facebook (as he put it) which I thought made him pretty cool. I talked a lot. That’s the thing about alcohol. Hard A in = secrets out… and sometimes chunks if you have too much. Gotta love it. Drunkenness is bottled madness they say but I am quite the happy drunk. I don’t drink all the time but when I do I don’t take any prisoners, that’s for sure (I’m not completely sober yet so you will have to forgive me). I’m no lightweight but last night’s impact was equal to the time they gave alcohol to Eskimos. It helped that I hadn’t eaten most of the day.  Apparently I had a random girl call one of my very good girl friends ( 😉 ) and leave a voice mail telling her I really liked her. I told some girl her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. I also made the astute observation that a red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Oh joy 🙂

Notice: Upcoming Blog Hiatus


 

Quick post. I’m going up to Alaska to work for a month and I don’t believe I will be able to post during that time due to time constraints and limited internet access. It’s a lucrative opportunity though so it’s definitly worthwhile. Wish me luck! I’m leavin at 2 AM to catch my plane 😀

 

How To Win Friends & Influence People: Bring Gum.


Gotta get all seven food groups...

Don’t you wish it was that simple? Well it is! … Mostly. There are some small (and by this I mean infinitesimally minute) guidelines that need to be followed when choosing and bringing gum to a social gathering.  I am a gum addict but you should definitely keep reading whether you partake of the sugary goodness on a regular basis or not. It goes without saying that there is an etiquette to discarding, offering, chewing and swallowing gum.Yes, I said swallowing.

Rule Number One: Don’t swallow it. I trusted my parents when they said it would either stay in my stomach for 13 years or give me gumorrhea ( a terrifyingly big word at the time). I recently spoke with a friend who can’t break the habit of swallowing gum at the young age of 22 years old. You don’t want to be that guy. It’s just not cool, not to mention that, due to its startling resilience when it comes to stomach acid, it limits space for food and that to me is far more tragic than being un-cool.

Rule Number Two: Don’t chew or spit like a llama (cow is fine but llama’s just take things to a whole new level of grossness). This applies to those of you who partake in the nasty habit of chewing tobacco as well. Also, don’t blow bubbles that pop back on your face. That was the cooler than double jointed thumbs back in the day but there’s a reason it’s back in the day.

Rule Number Three: We know the goal of this whole post is to win friends and influence people using our little sugary chewing devices but we don’t need to be asked if we want every 5 seconds. If you’re going to use gum to back up your social status, play hard to get. Make people CRAVE it subliminally. Tease them with a wrapper and a small (SMALL!) smacking of the lips here and there. Eventually they’ll come around, get the right idea and ask you for a piece.

Rule Number Four: I know it’s convenient to test the adhesive power of gum on the bottom of tables, arcade games and counter tops but in today’s fast paced world that is SO five minutes ago. And the whole throwing it over your shoulder with no thought to future consequences? Refer to the picture below. I rest my case.

Get it? It's a high heel... NOT! I'm ashamed to admit it took ME a few seconds.

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One thing to keep in mind is the kind of people you’re wanting to attract and what situation you’re going into. Like attracts like. Hence, you need to BE what you are trying to attract.

# 1- is for all you James Bond types out there. The cool cats. This paragraph is applicable at black tie affairs (AND for those who like to pretend their life is one loooooong black tie affair. Most of us know at least one person like this).You have two types of gum to choose from: peppermint or spearmint. Nothing else will do.You’re trying to give the impression you’re the classiest thing since the invention of un-boxed wine (if I find the exact dates on this invention I will source them immediately). This type of gum can also work for older ladies at bridge and book clubs. Don’t ask me where the connection between this and 007 is.

# 2– The Funster, the Ace Ventura types, the movers, the streakers, the shakers (yes I did just throw that in there). The people who think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing and embedded video combined. You too have two options: bubble gum or chewing fruit flavored gum. With bubble gum you’re gonna come off as one of two things. A zany, adventurous adrenaline junky or an infantile, nerdy kid. It’s really up to the rest of how you present yourself as to what kind of people you will attract (or repel for that matter). Fruit flavored gum has much of the same pros and cons. As long as you don’t shove 10 pieces in your mouth to create an exploding jungle of colorful nirvana you should be in good shape (working out on a regular basis can help with this last part too).

# 3– The sporty yet thoughtful hero/heroine (and often host) of the social scene,  If this is what you’re going for I suggest you live in a mansion complete with pool and soda fountain.  If you happen lack the aforementioned items you will have to try to make the same impression with what you choose to put in your mouth. In this case, gum. This is a mix of the first two options. You will pick your own poison, maybe even take a little of both and use them as your mission requires. You are all things to all people and the scent of your breath must say the same thing.

It looks like that’s all we have time for today. I would like to apologize in advance for the cartoon at the end of this post. I couldn’t resist. It’s been a pleasure devastating some obvious with you. I do hope you found this mildly educational and will join me next time. I SHOULD TOTALLY START A RADIO TALK SHOW! But who listens to radio anymore… anyway getting back to the conclusion.

The End

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Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire: Episode I


We all have million dollar questions, some have million dollar babies and others look like a million bucks but very few of us ACTUALLY have that kind of cash. We see and hear it everywhere we go. “What would you do with a million dollars if you had it?” Ok, so perhaps I haven’t achieved the financial status typically associated with the word “millionaire”. Nevertheless I have decided to prepare a list of the more extracurricular items I aspire to own someday. I started with the title, “Frivolous Financial Fantasies”. While tempting to call it the “Triple F” list for short, I think having any sort of F-List comes across as odd so I’ll go with Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire or MM of a MM for short. I’m going to share these every Monday here on Devastating The Obvious. Stick around and you might find something you like. 😉

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MM of a MM Item #1: Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster – Batman, the coolest super hero of all time, chose this for his town car in Batman Begins. What is a guy without something amazingly hot, foreign and fast by his side? I’ll tell you what he is. He’s just a regular guy and what’s cool about that? No, we want something that distinguishes us from Mr. Millicent Bystander over there, something bursting with 661 horsepower (even guys who don’t know what ‘horsepower’ means still drool at the word) something that can go from zero to 100 miles per hour in 7.5 seconds, something sporty and classy at the same time. For instance; fuzzy red dice! I’ve always wanted a pair of those. Also, a set of awesome neon lights. You know that luminescent glow on the base of street racing cars that make them look like a flying saucer ready to take off? Yeah, add those to my virtual cart.

While we’re on this whole millionaire thing, why not add a vanity tag? Something like… BOOOYAH, WERZURZ? COP B8 or even: ICANTBELIEVEIMFINALLYDRIVINGTHECAROFMYDREAMS!  I could run into trouble getting that to fit… and, considering it’s not customary to put bumper stickers on Lamborghinis, I suppose I’ll have to keep thinking. It would be good to keep in mind that; besides the USA, the UK, Australia and New Zealand; the countries of Austria, Denmark, Finland, Hong Kong, Latvia, Luxembourg, Poland, Slovenia, Iceland and Sweden ALL allow vanity plates. Some are completely custom, others only halfway and some with mandatory pink tassels. The point is: if this has inspired you to revamp your car’s backside and you live in one of those nations, you’re in luck.

How fun would that be passing sports cars on the Autobahn tossing off one-liners like Legolas from The Lord of the Rings: “That BMW trouble you? Mercedes are for ladies! Porsche Dork!” and many other rhyming soliloquies to be regretted for their corny lack of preparation at a later date.

This is the first of many Musings of a Mental Millionaire so… don’t go anywhere. But, if your presence is required elsewhere I suppose I could settle for you tuning in next time, same time, same station, for another episode of Devastating The Obvious!

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(|): Welcome To The Monkey House :(|)


Yesterday I attended a speaking conference with some good friends of mine, one of whom was competing. I will probably be in on the fall edition so I went to get a feel for the competition, amount of spectators present and to meet people but in the end it was a debate I had with one of the keynote speakers that was most memorable.

Michael’ (as we will call him because that was his real name 😀 ) has a Masters Degree in Psychological Counseling or some related branch thereof. He attempted a humorous speech entitled “Welcome To The Monkey House” and, after citing the title of his speech as a book by Kurt Vonnegut, proceeded to explain how animals (giving citations of vampire bats, hippos and wolves… what could go together better than vampire bats, hippos and wolves?) have a moral code, a system for right and wrong and imposed consequences. He referred to all of us in the room as mindless apes and from there jumped to the conclusion (so obvious to him) that we humans derived all sense of right and wrong from the evolutionary whim of the animal kingdom. Here I’d like to make two points.

#1- I’m a Christian. I believe in a Creator and intelligent design and as such I find it quite insulting to insinuate that my great great great great great (ad infinitum) grandma was a self replicating piece of crap. Isn’t that like the worst “Yo Momma” joke of all time?

#2- Isn’t it usually an insulting term to call someone a mindless ape? Now I KNOW that many of you will disagree with the content of this post (it’s the world we live in) but this blogger isn’t afraid of controversy or its repercussions. You guys have class and can debate in a worthwhile, discovering manner. Don’t prove me wrong.

Now, (getting back to my story) I had the opportunity to seek him out afterwards and after tapping him on the shoulder saying (and I quote) “Very intriguing speech and delivery. The only downside is that I disagree with 110% of what you said and the thought process that got you there.”

He humored me and within seconds a friendly conversation had escalated to heated debate. We took it out of the conference room, up the elevator and into the building’s foyer tracking back to the origin of moral law, the contradiction between evolution, Divine creation and the ever-present law of entropy etc. I won’t bore you with the tit for tat details but in the end the argument was reduced to this.

Me: “So you’re saying that no one actually knows how nothing became something?”

Him: “Well, the cellular structure of self replicating amoebas…”

Me (slightly interrupting): “So you have no answer for the beginning? The inception of everything we know?”

Him: “Well no one knows that but if I’m given a choice of A) A beginning to the world involving matter alone versus B) Matter + a divine being, I’m going to choose A every time.”

Me: “So you’re saying the world created itself? You see this wall? You said earlier that you and I could agree that this wall exists. It’s a fact and not an opinion correct?”

Him: “Yes…”

Me: “When you looked at this wall, you didn’t say ‘Oh what a random product of spontaneous molecular combustion! I must report this as the eighth wonder of the world!’ did you?”

Him (laughing): “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “It stands to reason that someone built this wall right? You have a degree, you know how complicated a cell is. Things like a cell and this wall don’t just happen. You’re criticizing faith and yet you don’t even know how ‘the big bang’ started’. It takes every bit as much faith for you to believe what you do as for me to believe what I do. What if you’re wrong? What if my answer to how the world started is more plausible than you drawing a blank? ”

Him (*thinking* and then): “Well it IS a possibility but not one I want to believe.”

Me: “That’s what it comes down to, I’ve made my point and that’s all I can do. Nice talking with ya Michael, gotta run!”

My ride was waiting for me and that was all the time I had but both the conversation and the pondering look on Mike’s face as I left him gave me a satisfaction peculiar to my usual arguments. I wasn’t trying to ‘convert’ him, far from it. I was testing his belief and sharpening my knowledge and communication skills by asking and provoking questions. I always hold to the Dale Carnegie quote that “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Debating always has, and always will be, an adventure and an opportunity to devastate the obvious.

P.S. The day they make a monkey out of me is the day I speed date Betty White, direct a hostile takeover of Timbuktu, stop loving peanut butter and start liking fried eggs.

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The Cartoon Laws


CARTOON LAW I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

CARTOON LAW II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.

CARTOON LAW III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

CARTOON LAW IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

CARTOON LAW V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

CARTOON LAW VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

CARTOON LAW VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

CARTOON LAW VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

CARTOON LAW IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

CARTOON LAW X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

CARTOON LAW XI: Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.

CARTOON LAW XII: Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair regrowth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully regrown.

CARTOON LAW Amendment A: A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

CARTOON LAW Amendment B: The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters. Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

CARTOON LAW Amendment C: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.

CARTOON LAW Amendment D: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

CARTOON LAW Amendment E: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which CARTOON LAWs hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cartoon_physics

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