The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “car”

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire: Episode I


We all have million dollar questions, some have million dollar babies and others look like a million bucks but very few of us ACTUALLY have that kind of cash. We see and hear it everywhere we go. “What would you do with a million dollars if you had it?” Ok, so perhaps I haven’t achieved the financial status typically associated with the word “millionaire”. Nevertheless I have decided to prepare a list of the more extracurricular items I aspire to own someday. I started with the title, “Frivolous Financial Fantasies”. While tempting to call it the “Triple F” list for short, I think having any sort of F-List comes across as odd so I’ll go with Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire or MM of a MM for short. I’m going to share these every Monday here on Devastating The Obvious. Stick around and you might find something you like. 😉

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MM of a MM Item #1: Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster – Batman, the coolest super hero of all time, chose this for his town car in Batman Begins. What is a guy without something amazingly hot, foreign and fast by his side? I’ll tell you what he is. He’s just a regular guy and what’s cool about that? No, we want something that distinguishes us from Mr. Millicent Bystander over there, something bursting with 661 horsepower (even guys who don’t know what ‘horsepower’ means still drool at the word) something that can go from zero to 100 miles per hour in 7.5 seconds, something sporty and classy at the same time. For instance; fuzzy red dice! I’ve always wanted a pair of those. Also, a set of awesome neon lights. You know that luminescent glow on the base of street racing cars that make them look like a flying saucer ready to take off? Yeah, add those to my virtual cart.

While we’re on this whole millionaire thing, why not add a vanity tag? Something like… BOOOYAH, WERZURZ? COP B8 or even: ICANTBELIEVEIMFINALLYDRIVINGTHECAROFMYDREAMS!  I could run into trouble getting that to fit… and, considering it’s not customary to put bumper stickers on Lamborghinis, I suppose I’ll have to keep thinking. It would be good to keep in mind that; besides the USA, the UK, Australia and New Zealand; the countries of Austria, Denmark, Finland, Hong Kong, Latvia, Luxembourg, Poland, Slovenia, Iceland and Sweden ALL allow vanity plates. Some are completely custom, others only halfway and some with mandatory pink tassels. The point is: if this has inspired you to revamp your car’s backside and you live in one of those nations, you’re in luck.

How fun would that be passing sports cars on the Autobahn tossing off one-liners like Legolas from The Lord of the Rings: “That BMW trouble you? Mercedes are for ladies! Porsche Dork!” and many other rhyming soliloquies to be regretted for their corny lack of preparation at a later date.

This is the first of many Musings of a Mental Millionaire so… don’t go anywhere. But, if your presence is required elsewhere I suppose I could settle for you tuning in next time, same time, same station, for another episode of Devastating The Obvious!

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