The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the tag “Al Gore”

Top Hats Need To Make A Comeback


I’ve described a lot of things recently and I intend to in the future but here I pause to insert a quick not from the author, Captain Obvious. It also Cinco De Mayo today… oh and my birthday! Today I turned 20 years old but instead of dwelling on graduation from the teenage world I have decided to do a couple posts on various historical artifacts, trends etc that I will campaign to re-integrate into society as we know it. I am working as a Business Development Executive and with a background and current career in sales and as such have chosen to use some creative license and broaden my horizons.

The first object to be discussed in this series could have been many things but was narrowed down through a calculated process of cross strategies and semi circle brain patterns. Of course it couldn’t be anything from the Middle East… too hot of a topic and I don’t want to bring that controversy into my posts unnecessarily or mention it without any cause whatsoever. And then I turned around and thought well we have to rule out everything else too because the only object that immediately came to mind was the Top Hat. Yes that very same Top Hat of American Civil-War era fame… so why not mount a full-scale campaign to re-introduce it to modern civilization?

(Dim the lights and here we go…)

“Top coat, top hat,
I don’t worry cause my wallets fat.
Black shades, white gloves,
looking sharp and looking for love.”

For one thing, what other scalp ornament can claim to make rabbits appear at the drop of a hat? Magicians have been doing it for years. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t look nearly as authentic without this apparatus of gargantuan proportions adorning his head, and I say ‘apparatus’ because that’s exactly what it was. Besides its apparent transformational qualities of making its wearer appear exponentially more distinguished and ‘dapper’, as it were, there was a purpose behind the Top Hat the very embodiment of citizenship and versatility. John Batterson Stetson, the inventor of the Top Hat was a man of vision. If only he had lived to see this post and the global potential of his simple brainchild.

What we may look at and think of as abnormally large and useless is in fact a product of creative genius. Mr. Stetson allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires. Imagine having not only a Crime Watch zone in your neighborhood but a Top Hat zone where you knew that your home was protected in the event of a possible fire by the fashion conscious choice of your community conscious neighbors to sport the snazzy Top Hat. It’s the future ladies and gentlemen.

I predict (and you can quote me on this) that the next big fad after “going green” and global warming will be the Top Hat. Those not wearing them will be thought of as the carbon footprints of their era by choosing not to protect their fellow-man and pack even a travel size Top Hat in the event of a nearby structure fire. Recent studies and surveys and questions asked to close friends of Al Gore have shown that this issue will be on the docket at the International Peace & General Welfare convention. Be prepared. Do your part. Carry a Top Hat.

Sidekick Wars (Final Four)


Throughout both cinematic and world history, sidekicks have both inspired and amused the populace. I would like to start by mentioning sidekicks that didn’t make the Final Four. What is the Final Four you ask? It is a compilation of what I believe to be the four most legitimately awesome sidekicks.

Honorable Mention: Barnie Fife almost made it in. Sometimes we here in the production staff have to make cuts in the best interest of the blog and this was one of them. Another was Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. “I can’t carry it for you… but I can carry you!” Other deserving competitors include (but are not limited to: Jiminy Cricket from Pinnochio, Frozone from The Incredibles, Buzz Lightyear, some made a strong case for Al Gore before his role in Dumb & Dumber, the entire Apple Dumpling Gang, Silent Bob from Clerks, and Sancho Pazza of Don Quixote.

Helpful, stinky, awkward, tag-a-longs, third-wheel, odd-man-out, excess baggage, friend, partner, companion, names; whatever you call them, sidekicks are the backbone of active storytelling.

THE FINAL FOUR BEST SIDEKICKS 

4. Patrick Star: Our pink friend lives under a rock (literally) and has 10 jobs to his resume. He has invented 3 tools we use every day, the Pencil, the Light Bulb and the Mirror (also known as ‘a parallel universe’) as well as the Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker and Ukulele Tuner 9000 . Patrick has assumed many aliases throughout his career as sidekick but Patricia, The Elastic Waistband,King Patrick, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, and The Pink Patty are a few of them. I don’t think I need to say much more.

3. Dr Watson: I’ve always felt some symbiotic connection between this old chap and I. If not for his existence, Sherlock would have no one to say “Elementary” to. He’s helped in countless escapades against evil and criminality the globe over. I always liked to think he and Mr. Holmes were bros just like us nowadays when I played as a kid. This is more of a personal selection but it’s gotta be here nonetheless.

2. Robin: Batman‘s side kick in action made all the headlines and movie covers and won the spot as the first loser here in the sidekick contest (which is ironic because you’re kinda number two already as a sidekick…no matter). I’d have said the true sidekick was Alfred, his butler. That was until I saw this picture on Batman’s facebook status update the other day. So now I don’t know what to believe.

1. Chewbacca. My favorite extraterrestrial bro is a gargantuan heap of shaggadelic fuzz who streaks around the galaxy naked, save for a bandolier. He will ask to pass the salt by howling. He’ll rip the arms off a droid if you even think about cheating in a game of intergalactic chess. Face it, you’re not going to run across anyone like that on a day-to-day basis. He is unusually competent as a sidekick and that separates him from the rest of the pack. Chewbacca is science fiction, in hairy, barking fashion. While he’s definitely not human, he’s more of the man’s best friend type.. Just don’t ask him to fetch. Wookiees hate that.

Don't mess.

 

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