The Captain's (B)log

A Tribute To The Mancave


You know it’s bad when you have random girls over for the sole purpose of having them wash your dishes. This thought occurred to me a couple months ago while I was flipping my burritos on the skillet with pliers (due to the lack of clean spatulas…). I’ve since had a few changes in my living situation but I will forever value that era of wallowing in glorious singlehood. I’m still single but I’ve given up the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I doubt I will ever descend to that level again but honestly, it was fun while it lasted. I wasn’t poor by any means but money always had a better, more adventurous place to go rather than basic hygiene. (Speaking of hygiene it is never funny to make fun of female hygiene… end of story. Period!)

Dane Cook:  “You know you’re a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you’ve got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That’s how sad and lonely you are. You won’t even buy bulbs.”

My friend recently pulled out some posters she’d saved from the mancave before it’s conquest and eventual evacuation. One was of Chuck Norris and various quotes denoting his ability to blow bubbles with beef jerky and the use of his hair in the making of bulletproof vests for law enforcement agencies across the planet… the other a list of what to do in the event of a zombie Apocalypse… 6. BOOBIES ARE GOOD (praising the pros of setting booby traps) etc.

50 inch TVs and two high powered gaming consoles adorned the den wall and the blinds were all eventually destroyed and replaced with blankets or sheets. Once again I’d like to reiterate my lack of desire to ever experience this again… I have much grander plans for my existence in this dog eat dog world. As I move up in the corporate hierarchy there are a few things I wouldn’t mind adding to the experience.

To each his own.

1. Pool. Complete with a sign declaring “Welcome to my _OOL, Notice there is no “P” in it. I’d like to keep it that way” (if there’s any other pool jokes floating around out there feel free to enlighten me). Throw in a hot tub, nearby trampoline and basketball hoop and we’ll be ready to rock and roll!

2. The universal house remote. A condo complete with mood buttons! I can press on the remote that adjust the aesthetics and lighting appropriately. You know you’ve made it when walls move, sounds permeate the air, lights change and your residence can turn into a club or a house of love at the touch of a button.

A few games of battle shots, chess shots, beer pong, ultimate beer pong, a stripper pole, a poker table, ping pong and a pool table and we are good to go! What would you put in your ultimate man cave men? And for the women… what do you secretly like about the mancave experience (perhaps)? GO! 🙂

Advertisements

Much Ado About Nothing*


I am posting today to bring awareness to an american travesty gone rampant in the very fast food joints we patronize every day of our existence. I’m not talking about the filthy preparation or despicable state of most restrooms. I’m not even talking about the repulsive things I’ve done in my past life as a waiter to people’s evening morsels. I’m here today to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. Snow blindness in cats has effected… NOT!

What I REALLY want to address is the ridiculous amount they can charge you for a 3 ounce (<measurement stated at random, correct me if you are privy to such information) of sour cream, or any condiment for that matter! It’s more than exorbitant, it’s robbery! One of my friends and I had this lengthy conversation not but months ago… why it just popped into my kranium we’ll never know.

 

Talk about fast food!

Unfortunately the corporate conspiracies that be have picked up on this fact and started to charge 50 cents or even a dollar for this wonderful dairy protege and it’s ilk. I am hereby boycotting any and all such thievery. No more sour cream for this guy. In closing I have a few questions… Who will join me? Is this a plague unique to my country or is a universal ploy?  I want to hear from my blogging counterparts across the globe on this subject.

You can take our lives... but... you will never take... our MCDONALDS!

*The next post will contain much more substantial material.

Christmas Observations


I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.

X4NCWM32RJ66

Is Chivalry Dead?


1600’s: Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you that I have received your letter and I’ve been left quite speechless.

2011: K

Call me old-fashioned but I’m the kind of guy that will open doors for women (not just the one’s I think are pretty) and always pay no matter how they insist. I aspire to be that knight in shining armor… with a slightly bad ass side as well 😉
This doesn’t mean I don’t like to do crazy, (sometimes… well most of the time) illegal things. I have two tattoos and I’m planning on getting more. What chivalry means is a respect for women in general, and, while I’m nowhere near perfect, I try. I was raised in a strict environment and have branched out immensely while on my own but a few of these basic principles have served me well over the years.

Those whose ‘game’ is based on the misconception they’re flirting with women while putting them down and treating them with disrespect are nothing but insecure.

I myself think ladies with a mindset like this one (directly below) are entirely unattractive. I blame this on men without a doubt. We have forced them to fill our roles in addition to theirs  while we watch our sports,  live off our welfare and generally abdicate what little responsibility we have left. A true man deserves a true woman. There are few left. I believe nothing is more attractive than a  girly, feminine girl who desires to fill the void in society that only she can.

^^^See? Even these felines have it right ^^^

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of hardened, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and degradation, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for.

The few that persist in the practice of chivalry are soon burnt out by the disdain of the opposite sex. Women are confused, not knowing whether to construe an open door or pulled out chair as someone trying to get in their pants or else mockery. This can be directly linked to a worldwide absence of true men with chivalrous intentions.

Man or woman… ask yourself: is it so hard to believe in a tradition built on mutual respect and courteous behavior?

Frankly madam? I don’t give a damn.


There are some things that attract me to a girl and some things I honestly couldn’t care less about. The list is shorter on this side but just as accurate and potent.

Your Ex: Unless he gives us a reason to kick his ass. We won’t admit it but… anything you mention he did differently (god forbid better) we endeavor to top with our own masculine acts of indefinite awesomeness.

Your salary: We want you to fulfill your dreams but we don’t want to know how much they paid you to do it.

Your muscles: flexibility is highly attractive. Brute strength is not. Deal with it.

The End

The First Things I Notice About A Girl


I’ve had many of my close (and some not so close) female friends ask me this question and I’ve decided its high time I answered it in written form. “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The truth hurts sometimes but if you’re wider than you are tall, have a mole the size of your nose on your face or a voice as deep as Josh Turner… I won’t really look twice. But! If I was to compile a 100% honest list of what I notice first in a girl who catches my eye it would be this.

1. Eyes. Now I’m not saying this to be romantic or cliché and I have no preferred eye color but what I do look for is that sparkle that tells me you’re alive. That you’re going somewhere with your life that’s fun and that I might want to go to with you. The eyes can experience a connection unique to any other. They are ‘the window to the soul’.

2. Personality and smarts. Fun, intelligent, creative, girly with a deep and slightly romantic side 🙂 That’s my personal preference. Someone unique and insightful… something that intrigues me to want to discover their world and become a part of it. I could call you every name in the book and, if I haven’t pulled out the word ‘boring’ yet, you haven’t hit rock bottom. Guys want a girl that will bring something they don’t have into their life.

3. Face/Body. Like I said I’m being 100% honest. I know people have problems and issues and blah dee blah dee blah but I’m talking about what attracts me to a female as a guy. A cute face (in a foxy, coy way) is quite attractive. Being pretty, skinny, taking care of yourself, having the ability to move (athletic-ish), and of course the eyes always gravitate toward the lovely curvatures of the female body… None of these hurt… at all.

4. Smile/Laugh. I separate this from the facial category because when a beautiful girl smiles it’s like… you just discovered a new color previously unknown to mankind. And when she smiles at you it’s like you invented that color. The reason this is so far down on the list is due to the fact that you may or may not see this wonderful feature when interacting with the girl for the first time (if you guys out there have any game at all you will make it a point to make her laugh). A genuine laugh is priceless in this day and age.

5. Voice. She has to be well spoken and put effort into her vocabulary (or at least flatter me by trying to learn 😛 ). No whining or annoying voices allowed, without exception. This can also be a great showcase for your personality and smarts (or lack thereof).

6. Hair. I like my women tall and blonde in most cases but that’s personal preference and subject to change. Not exclusive either (I make exceptions 😉 ) Again, you have to take care of yourself . The psychology behind how a girl styles her hair for better or worse is a huge indicator of her take on life (and whether the guy likes it or not is a compatibility factor for sure). I think long hair is more feminine and that’s my preference.

7. Similar Tastes. The reason this is last (but definitely not least) is that the information is usually acquired last. After the first 6. I’ll have looked into your eyes, gotten a general feel for your personality and intelligence, seen your face and body, we better have made you smile and laugh and heard your voice and seen your hair. From there? If the first 6 pass the test then it’s up to see where you’re headed and if it’s in the same direction as me.

I may edit and update this post as I remember and revise various stances toward a woman’s features but as of now this is my best synopsis. Enjoy ladies and gentlemen alike! Tell me your opinions, however different or similar they may be. I hope this helps any girls still in a quandary about what a guy is looking for. Coming up: Things Us Guys Don’t Give a Damn About In A Girl  😉 Until then, au revoir.

Money Matters


“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” –Robert Orben

I’ve ran into some hard times lately… more or less. I have a job I could travel to and make a lot of money quick but, due to social and romantically involved reasons, I have chosen not to do so. I was thinking today about the pros and cons of possessing large amounts of money. As a twist on my previous and short lived episode “Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire” I decided to write down a few (feel free to add more sensible ones to the list):

Pro: Fat wallets make you feel good about yourself.
Con: Thin wallets are more comfortable to sit on.

 
Pro: You can buy useless things like an island complete with midgets painted orange to be oompa loompas or a cruise ship in the shape of a sandwich. You could buy all the algebra books in the world then rent a blimp and dump it on Topeka, Kansas as an act of math instruction.
Cons: Oompa loompas are gay. You can’t eat cruise ships so what’s the point? And last but not least… Topeka? Really? Be more philanthropic why don’t you. Try Nigeria or some third world country where they can use it as firestarter.

Pro: You’d get all the easy girls (or whatever gender seems to match your sexual orientation). People would think you’re important.
Con: I am not attracted to easy girls in the least and if they’re just attracted to the dinero? They can saddle up and ride away. As for being important, if you think nobody cares about poor people, try missing a couple of car payments.

Pro: You’d have security and the ability to enjoy life in a more stress free environment.
Con: Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with! 😛

Pro: So many opportunities to capitalize on!
Con: Scams. Frauds. What if someone offered you a team franchise in the Nigerian Chimpanzee Archery Association (NCAA)? Like… how could you say no to that?

That concludes my short list. Feel free to add to it BUT you must have both a pro AND a con to suggest any additions to the list 😉

R.I.P. Mr. Playa


 In the spirit of the Christmas season… what’s the difference between Santa and Chuck Norris? Mr. Claus only has 3 ho’s  😉

I’ve been characterized as quite the player of late. Due to my natural charm, dashing good looks and ever-present sense of humor… the females came pretty easy this year. By the way, if you don’t know what a player is, it is one who has the elusive ‘game’ factor or one who has game. Allow me to define it in this blow-by-blow from the show How I Met Your Mother.

Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. You can’t spell ‘game’ without ‘me’, and ‘me’ has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I’m a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I’m the New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I’m The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Typical players. I can relate. They like attention but some of them can be good guys at heart too… and that’s what I always shoot for. Well to get to the point of my story… I met a girl I really like and have had to cease and desist from my untamed gallivanting. Alas… it will be missed but it’s for a good cause. She’s just an undeniably gorgeous person inside and out and I’m looking to see where this leads. Who knows? Within a month I may be back into the single scene, breaking hearts and going crazy as usual or I might be settled down a bit and doing something productive with my life. Oh and did i mention she’s a good influence on me?

In conclusion: Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky and once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants today are known as giraffes. And now time for a random episode of… what’s wrong with this picture?

A Short Story


Bob and Olga had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He was as tall as a 6 foot 3 inch tree and lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. She had eyes like two brown circles with big black dots in the center and a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. They were perfect for each other.

It was the 13th of July, Barbershop Music Appreciation Day and Embrace Your Geekness Day (look it up). The stage was set for an epic romance.

Bob looked up from his lonely bench and saw Olga riding her Segway through the park. She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Suddenly, shot’s rang out (as shots are wont to do) and our beloved Bob looked down to find a red spot spreading from his funny bone. He had been shot in the elbow… and it hurt. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. His eyes stayed open just long enough to see the girl on the Segway turn back to investigate the sounds. Thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Then all went black.

Olga leaned over Bob… “Sir! Sir! Wake up!” in an attractively thick accent.

The sky had gone dark. The hailstones leaped from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Bob’s eyes flickered open to see her hair glistening in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He smiled and she smiled back. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. When he spoke… she read his lips. Because she was deaf. She helped him up and got him to a hospital. They searched far and wide for the mysterious gunman that had brought them together but to no avail. Bob learned sign language, Olga became a ballerina and they lived happily ever after in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

THE END

From hanging out to hungover…


It was a Thursday night last night!? Suddenly there’s a party goin on and I’m downing bottles like there’s no tomorrow (for my liver). Unfortunately there was a tomorrow. Which is today. I was seriously out of it, don’t remember most of it. My favorite author was the guy who wrote, ‘Pull tab to open’. Found out one of my friends is friends with Star Wars and Jesus on Facebook (as he put it) which I thought made him pretty cool. I talked a lot. That’s the thing about alcohol. Hard A in = secrets out… and sometimes chunks if you have too much. Gotta love it. Drunkenness is bottled madness they say but I am quite the happy drunk. I don’t drink all the time but when I do I don’t take any prisoners, that’s for sure (I’m not completely sober yet so you will have to forgive me). I’m no lightweight but last night’s impact was equal to the time they gave alcohol to Eskimos. It helped that I hadn’t eaten most of the day.  Apparently I had a random girl call one of my very good girl friends ( 😉 ) and leave a voice mail telling her I really liked her. I told some girl her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. I also made the astute observation that a red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Oh joy 🙂

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: