The Captain's (B)log

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Am I Racist if I Dream of a White Christmas?


Mexican and Black jokes are more or less the same… once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamaal.

I found this particular post quite informative and entertaining in it’s discussion on what type of being our fictional St. Nick really SHOULD be. Enjoy:)

penguin santa racism black and white

conTIMplating

Evidently writing about racism is like working for the CIA:  just when I thought I was done and out, they pull me back in.  Race, racism, race baiting, race profiling, race walking, race horses, race for the cure, emb-race the suck—enough already!  It’s time that we as a culture dug deep, looked within, and somehow found the strength to stop being so stupid.

The latest manufactured media hullabaloo is about the race of Santa Claus.  That’s right, Santa Claus.  And it all started with Slate blogger Aisha Harris.

Who?

Exactly.

Aisha got everybody riled up by saying that Santa should be a penguin.

A what?

Exactly.

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Sidekick Wars (Final Four)


Throughout both cinematic and world history, sidekicks have both inspired and amused the populace. I would like to start by mentioning sidekicks that didn’t make the Final Four. What is the Final Four you ask? It is a compilation of what I believe to be the four most legitimately awesome sidekicks.

Honorable Mention: Barnie Fife almost made it in. Sometimes we here in the production staff have to make cuts in the best interest of the blog and this was one of them. Another was Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. “I can’t carry it for you… but I can carry you!” Other deserving competitors include (but are not limited to: Jiminy Cricket from Pinnochio, Frozone from The Incredibles, Buzz Lightyear, some made a strong case for Al Gore before his role in Dumb & Dumber, the entire Apple Dumpling Gang, Silent Bob from Clerks, and Sancho Pazza of Don Quixote.

Helpful, stinky, awkward, tag-a-longs, third-wheel, odd-man-out, excess baggage, friend, partner, companion, names; whatever you call them, sidekicks are the backbone of active storytelling.

THE FINAL FOUR BEST SIDEKICKS 

4. Patrick Star: Our pink friend lives under a rock (literally) and has 10 jobs to his resume. He has invented 3 tools we use every day, the Pencil, the Light Bulb and the Mirror (also known as ‘a parallel universe’) as well as the Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker and Ukulele Tuner 9000 . Patrick has assumed many aliases throughout his career as sidekick but Patricia, The Elastic Waistband,King Patrick, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, and The Pink Patty are a few of them. I don’t think I need to say much more.

3. Dr Watson: I’ve always felt some symbiotic connection between this old chap and I. If not for his existence, Sherlock would have no one to say “Elementary” to. He’s helped in countless escapades against evil and criminality the globe over. I always liked to think he and Mr. Holmes were bros just like us nowadays when I played as a kid. This is more of a personal selection but it’s gotta be here nonetheless.

2. Robin: Batman‘s side kick in action made all the headlines and movie covers and won the spot as the first loser here in the sidekick contest (which is ironic because you’re kinda number two already as a sidekick…no matter). I’d have said the true sidekick was Alfred, his butler. That was until I saw this picture on Batman’s facebook status update the other day. So now I don’t know what to believe.

1. Chewbacca. My favorite extraterrestrial bro is a gargantuan heap of shaggadelic fuzz who streaks around the galaxy naked, save for a bandolier. He will ask to pass the salt by howling. He’ll rip the arms off a droid if you even think about cheating in a game of intergalactic chess. Face it, you’re not going to run across anyone like that on a day-to-day basis. He is unusually competent as a sidekick and that separates him from the rest of the pack. Chewbacca is science fiction, in hairy, barking fashion. While he’s definitely not human, he’s more of the man’s best friend type.. Just don’t ask him to fetch. Wookiees hate that.

Don't mess.

 

Renewed Fidelity


“I know I left you for someone else dear D.T.O… but I had to try new things. You knew I’d be back. You’re my first love and I promise i’ll make it work this time… Deva don’t look at me like that. CUZ I’M BACK BABY!” ;D

I know I’ve created a few false comeback alarms over the months here but between going up to Alaska to work… partying like crazy over the summer… going back to Alaska… coming back to the states and moving out on my own again… now starting my own sales office… it’s just been an insane year. Good, but insane 🙂 I’ve missed you all lots. Check out my newest page The Corduroy Pillow. I was very impressed that this old thing is still gettin a couple hundred views a day after just spending a week or two on it to start out. But I will keep this short and sweet… stay tuned for upcoming editions. So many ideas and things to say. Gonna be a blast. Take it easy my peoples… catchalater 😉

The Rise & Fall of the Clipboard


We must still have at least 25 clipboards floating around our house and I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know whether it’s attributed to all of our inherent love for writing or perhaps our tendency to hoard random objects. I’ve used the word so many times that I call them CBs for short to save time and oxygen. My family had an inexplicable love for the little spring-loaded writing facilitators.They were such a coveted possession that when I was younger we used them as currency along with pens, pencils and (the ever-present top dollar object) candy! Sadly, this is not the case any more and so begins my story.

We’ve had more fights over clipboards and who they belong to than anything else I can remember. My parents got to the point where they made it Illegal to be in possession of a CB because we we’re stealing them the moment their backs were turned. Naturally we had to start an undercover Black Market operation till the use of clipboards was legalized once again but the verdict did nothing to reduce its popularity. If anything, it made them MORE prevalent. The kids would save up birthday money for clipboards, the older kids would trade for them with their friends and I was the guy to hook you up. If you wanted a CB you came to me. I owned the proverbial turf when it came to CB related transactions.

Ah… the good old days. When I got home from a few month stay in Arizona not too long ago clipboards lay hither and thither like so many discarded toys children were done playing with. Since I’ve been gone the intrinsic value of the CB went down by over 750%. Worst of all, I saw some of them ON SHELVES. A tragedy that never would have been allowed when the market value of CBs was at its peak. The inevitable had come. New technological gizmos and video games had overthrown our old friend. Alas, the CB has gone the way of the dinosaur, the Roman Empire and Michael Jackson but it will forever live on in our hearts… as we look back on the glory that was… the clipboard.

Versatile Blogger Awards


In the past few days, three people have given me versatile blogger awards. I am flattered at the mention considering I haven’t even been on here a full 3 weeks. Thank you! However, as with all good things in life there is fine print and here are The Rules for the Award:

  1. Share 7 things about yourself.
  2. Pass the award along to 7 other deserving award recipients.
  3. Link to the award recipients.

So here we go!

1) Share 7 things about myself -Easy… I think. Wait, now I have to think?!

  1. I love the color red and the element of fire. Can’t get enough.
  2. I suffer from unhumoritis, no really don’t laugh! :/
  3. I jump in our river at 20 below zero outside every January 1st.
  4. I want a jeep SOOO BAD!
  5. I could sell ice to an Eskimo and get ’em to stick their tongue on a flagpole. Muahaha!
  6. I have 12 pairs of shoes but they’re ok… between sports shoes, casual, dress, work boots (and shoes) etc I don’t consider myself a fanatic in the least.
  7. I have 7 email addresses and 4 blogs (some dead, some deceased and others I still use).

2) & 3) Share the award with 7 other blogs and link to the recipients – Here goes! Sorry if I skip a deserving recipient but I’ll do my best!

  1. Tinkerbelle86 – Your undying creativity and worthwhile content astounds me. Keep up the good work 🙂
  2. Botut – Words don’t do justice to your awesome advice and unique perspective. Props to you.
  3. Sincerely, Average – A little known emoticon traversing the blogosphere. Seekers of fresh (somewhat humorously angst ridden) perspective=look no further.
  4. Maggie Mae – A ray of sunshine and moral wholesomeness cast in ray of funny looking light. If that made sense…
  5. Redneck Princess – The WordPress addict! I, for one, am thankful that she is 🙂 Always an experience.
  6. Cindy Dyer – A photo genius and comment extraordinaire. ‘Nuff said 🙂
  7. Team Oyeniyi– A source of constant encouragement and fresh ideas. I love her blog and apparently I look like her son so she’s got that going for her 😀

“What day is it?”


(I don’t usually do two posts in a day but I found this so funny, one of those “you had to be there” type of moments but here goes anyway)

My brother Garrett: 15 years old (usually a pretty bright kid). As he looks up from the table, through a mouthful of corned beef and cabbage (with a couple carrots stuffed in there for good measure) he says… “What day is it?” in all seriousness… gotta love him.

Sleeping In Disorder


Ive been having trouble sleeping the past few nights (I don’t have insomnia or anything, just a few late nights) so I decided to take some Melatonin (a ‘natural’ sleeping drug thingamajig) last night to help it. To my great satisfaction I was out like a light… the bad news was that I took 5 tablets when you’re only ‘sposed to take one. Drugs don’t usually have that much of an effect on me so I was like “Why not extra?” Meanwhile:

Fool that I am. I just woke up… it’s past ten o’clock (I usually get up at 5) and I feel like I have a massive hangover… That’ll teach me to pop pills (however ‘natural’) before hitting the sack… Due to the painful nature of this condition I am reduced to a short post about life as I know it today (who knows? You all might welcome it as a nice change). No funny sign off lines, no poking fun at celebrities… that’s all folks.

The Facebook Equation*


© Captain Obvious
*Despite the ominous title, little to no math skills are required in the reading of this post.

With over 500 million active users spending 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook, it’s a safe bet that, if you’re reading this, you have a Facebook account. I would like to open the discussion with a passage out of Facebook. I hope this verse, originally composed by my close friend (who has shared custody of my middle name) Kenny V. Anderson, will give us some insight into the modern transcendence of social networking.

The 23rd Facebook

The Facebook is my shepherd, I shall not poke.

It maketh me to lie down with my smart phone

It leadeth me beside the computer, it restoreth my old friendships.

It leadeth me in the paths of comments, for my ego’s sake

Yea, though I scroll through the valley of misspelling,

I will fear no grammar, for emoticons are with me.

Your likes and your comments, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an event before me in the presence of my newsfeed.

Thou anointeth my wall with statuses, my suggestions runneth over.

Surely friends and strangers shall follow me all the days of my life.

I will dwell on the wall of my profile forever. lol.

As the title suggests, my topic today specifically relates to the adding and deleting of friends, mainly, the thought process, internal questions and deciding factors applicable to linking yourself with another human being in the universe.  We live in a world where a deletion on Facebook can serve as an end to a real life friendship. An oversight such as not changing your single status on Facebook can lead to the demise of a relationship (on the Relationship Don’ts List it goes #1 Cheating… #2 Not updating your relationship status).

We’ve all asked ourselves the question (especially regarding people we haven’t ACTUALLY met), whether for a fleeting instant or what seems like an eternity… should I add this person? Many factors come into play at this point. Do I want to be associated with this person? Will they like my status posts? Will Bob get mad if I add Bill? But do they like macaroni and cheese?

We need to face both reality and the music (but mostly reality because we already KNOW music is intrinsically awesome). It comes down to our image, our freedom from other people’s opinions and our personal definition of the word friend. C’mon people, don’t be Jack Black from Shallow Hal, say yes to friendship and the unexplored world of a new individual being a part of your life! That’s the way to win friends and influence people but… whatever you do… make sure you know WHY you do it. If you didn’t get anything else out of this post I hope you got that. If you’re self aware no one can stop you, whether in the social or business world, Friday night bowling or spelunking off the coast of South America. Follow your dreams.

(If your wondering how we got from Facebook>Poems>Adding&Deleting People>Questions>Reality&Music>True Motives>Know Why You Do>Cave Diving In Brazil. That’s how. Now back to the conclusion.)

In conclusion, the conclusion is obvious. Know why you do what you do and you will be able to repeat what works and weed out that which has set you back. Expand that circle of influence. This starts in our minds and in our virtual world, social networking.

Well, there’s 5 minutes and 32 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.

Is beef starting to SCARE you?


https://i2.wp.com/www.international-childrens-medical-foundation.com/images/cow-dolphin.jpg

One Studly Bovine

The Cartoon Laws


CARTOON LAW I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

CARTOON LAW II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.

CARTOON LAW III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

CARTOON LAW IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

CARTOON LAW V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

CARTOON LAW VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

CARTOON LAW VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

CARTOON LAW VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

CARTOON LAW IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

CARTOON LAW X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

CARTOON LAW XI: Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.

CARTOON LAW XII: Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair regrowth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully regrown.

CARTOON LAW Amendment A: A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

CARTOON LAW Amendment B: The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters. Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

CARTOON LAW Amendment C: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.

CARTOON LAW Amendment D: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

CARTOON LAW Amendment E: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which CARTOON LAWs hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cartoon_physics

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