The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the category “Social Networking”

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever

More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.


7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious


Christmas Observations

I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.


Frankly madam? I don’t give a damn.

There are some things that attract me to a girl and some things I honestly couldn’t care less about. The list is shorter on this side but just as accurate and potent.

Your Ex: Unless he gives us a reason to kick his ass. We won’t admit it but… anything you mention he did differently (god forbid better) we endeavor to top with our own masculine acts of indefinite awesomeness.

Your salary: We want you to fulfill your dreams but we don’t want to know how much they paid you to do it.

Your muscles: flexibility is highly attractive. Brute strength is not. Deal with it.

The End

How To Win Friends & Influence People: Bring Gum.

Gotta get all seven food groups...

Don’t you wish it was that simple? Well it is! … Mostly. There are some small (and by this I mean infinitesimally minute) guidelines that need to be followed when choosing and bringing gum to a social gathering.  I am a gum addict but you should definitely keep reading whether you partake of the sugary goodness on a regular basis or not. It goes without saying that there is an etiquette to discarding, offering, chewing and swallowing gum.Yes, I said swallowing.

Rule Number One: Don’t swallow it. I trusted my parents when they said it would either stay in my stomach for 13 years or give me gumorrhea ( a terrifyingly big word at the time). I recently spoke with a friend who can’t break the habit of swallowing gum at the young age of 22 years old. You don’t want to be that guy. It’s just not cool, not to mention that, due to its startling resilience when it comes to stomach acid, it limits space for food and that to me is far more tragic than being un-cool.

Rule Number Two: Don’t chew or spit like a llama (cow is fine but llama’s just take things to a whole new level of grossness). This applies to those of you who partake in the nasty habit of chewing tobacco as well. Also, don’t blow bubbles that pop back on your face. That was the cooler than double jointed thumbs back in the day but there’s a reason it’s back in the day.

Rule Number Three: We know the goal of this whole post is to win friends and influence people using our little sugary chewing devices but we don’t need to be asked if we want every 5 seconds. If you’re going to use gum to back up your social status, play hard to get. Make people CRAVE it subliminally. Tease them with a wrapper and a small (SMALL!) smacking of the lips here and there. Eventually they’ll come around, get the right idea and ask you for a piece.

Rule Number Four: I know it’s convenient to test the adhesive power of gum on the bottom of tables, arcade games and counter tops but in today’s fast paced world that is SO five minutes ago. And the whole throwing it over your shoulder with no thought to future consequences? Refer to the picture below. I rest my case.

Get it? It's a high heel... NOT! I'm ashamed to admit it took ME a few seconds.


One thing to keep in mind is the kind of people you’re wanting to attract and what situation you’re going into. Like attracts like. Hence, you need to BE what you are trying to attract.

# 1- is for all you James Bond types out there. The cool cats. This paragraph is applicable at black tie affairs (AND for those who like to pretend their life is one loooooong black tie affair. Most of us know at least one person like this).You have two types of gum to choose from: peppermint or spearmint. Nothing else will do.You’re trying to give the impression you’re the classiest thing since the invention of un-boxed wine (if I find the exact dates on this invention I will source them immediately). This type of gum can also work for older ladies at bridge and book clubs. Don’t ask me where the connection between this and 007 is.

# 2– The Funster, the Ace Ventura types, the movers, the streakers, the shakers (yes I did just throw that in there). The people who think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing and embedded video combined. You too have two options: bubble gum or chewing fruit flavored gum. With bubble gum you’re gonna come off as one of two things. A zany, adventurous adrenaline junky or an infantile, nerdy kid. It’s really up to the rest of how you present yourself as to what kind of people you will attract (or repel for that matter). Fruit flavored gum has much of the same pros and cons. As long as you don’t shove 10 pieces in your mouth to create an exploding jungle of colorful nirvana you should be in good shape (working out on a regular basis can help with this last part too).

# 3– The sporty yet thoughtful hero/heroine (and often host) of the social scene,  If this is what you’re going for I suggest you live in a mansion complete with pool and soda fountain.  If you happen lack the aforementioned items you will have to try to make the same impression with what you choose to put in your mouth. In this case, gum. This is a mix of the first two options. You will pick your own poison, maybe even take a little of both and use them as your mission requires. You are all things to all people and the scent of your breath must say the same thing.

It looks like that’s all we have time for today. I would like to apologize in advance for the cartoon at the end of this post. I couldn’t resist. It’s been a pleasure devastating some obvious with you. I do hope you found this mildly educational and will join me next time. I SHOULD TOTALLY START A RADIO TALK SHOW! But who listens to radio anymore… anyway getting back to the conclusion.

The End


(|): Welcome To The Monkey House :(|)

Yesterday I attended a speaking conference with some good friends of mine, one of whom was competing. I will probably be in on the fall edition so I went to get a feel for the competition, amount of spectators present and to meet people but in the end it was a debate I had with one of the keynote speakers that was most memorable.

Michael’ (as we will call him because that was his real name 😀 ) has a Masters Degree in Psychological Counseling or some related branch thereof. He attempted a humorous speech entitled “Welcome To The Monkey House” and, after citing the title of his speech as a book by Kurt Vonnegut, proceeded to explain how animals (giving citations of vampire bats, hippos and wolves… what could go together better than vampire bats, hippos and wolves?) have a moral code, a system for right and wrong and imposed consequences. He referred to all of us in the room as mindless apes and from there jumped to the conclusion (so obvious to him) that we humans derived all sense of right and wrong from the evolutionary whim of the animal kingdom. Here I’d like to make two points.

#1- I’m a Christian. I believe in a Creator and intelligent design and as such I find it quite insulting to insinuate that my great great great great great (ad infinitum) grandma was a self replicating piece of crap. Isn’t that like the worst “Yo Momma” joke of all time?

#2- Isn’t it usually an insulting term to call someone a mindless ape? Now I KNOW that many of you will disagree with the content of this post (it’s the world we live in) but this blogger isn’t afraid of controversy or its repercussions. You guys have class and can debate in a worthwhile, discovering manner. Don’t prove me wrong.

Now, (getting back to my story) I had the opportunity to seek him out afterwards and after tapping him on the shoulder saying (and I quote) “Very intriguing speech and delivery. The only downside is that I disagree with 110% of what you said and the thought process that got you there.”

He humored me and within seconds a friendly conversation had escalated to heated debate. We took it out of the conference room, up the elevator and into the building’s foyer tracking back to the origin of moral law, the contradiction between evolution, Divine creation and the ever-present law of entropy etc. I won’t bore you with the tit for tat details but in the end the argument was reduced to this.

Me: “So you’re saying that no one actually knows how nothing became something?”

Him: “Well, the cellular structure of self replicating amoebas…”

Me (slightly interrupting): “So you have no answer for the beginning? The inception of everything we know?”

Him: “Well no one knows that but if I’m given a choice of A) A beginning to the world involving matter alone versus B) Matter + a divine being, I’m going to choose A every time.”

Me: “So you’re saying the world created itself? You see this wall? You said earlier that you and I could agree that this wall exists. It’s a fact and not an opinion correct?”

Him: “Yes…”

Me: “When you looked at this wall, you didn’t say ‘Oh what a random product of spontaneous molecular combustion! I must report this as the eighth wonder of the world!’ did you?”

Him (laughing): “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “It stands to reason that someone built this wall right? You have a degree, you know how complicated a cell is. Things like a cell and this wall don’t just happen. You’re criticizing faith and yet you don’t even know how ‘the big bang’ started’. It takes every bit as much faith for you to believe what you do as for me to believe what I do. What if you’re wrong? What if my answer to how the world started is more plausible than you drawing a blank? ”

Him (*thinking* and then): “Well it IS a possibility but not one I want to believe.”

Me: “That’s what it comes down to, I’ve made my point and that’s all I can do. Nice talking with ya Michael, gotta run!”

My ride was waiting for me and that was all the time I had but both the conversation and the pondering look on Mike’s face as I left him gave me a satisfaction peculiar to my usual arguments. I wasn’t trying to ‘convert’ him, far from it. I was testing his belief and sharpening my knowledge and communication skills by asking and provoking questions. I always hold to the Dale Carnegie quote that “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Debating always has, and always will be, an adventure and an opportunity to devastate the obvious.

P.S. The day they make a monkey out of me is the day I speed date Betty White, direct a hostile takeover of Timbuktu, stop loving peanut butter and start liking fried eggs.

Image Sources

Making Waves

© Captain Obvious 2011

For all of you who’s limbs have risen in salute to your fellow man and the thought crossed your brain… “Is there a method to this madness?”… and for the rest of you who do not partake in such frivolity but can appreciate a good laugh I have composed a comprehensive guide to ‘the wave’ as we know it.

It seems as though we now have at least 6 different types of wavers (for all of which I will use the term “guy” for convenience sake):

The Pre-Emptive Waver: This is someone who enjoys being a waver and waves at everybody, their mother and her cat Fluffy. He starts waving from at least a quarter of a mile away to make sure that you will see that he waved and is expecting the return wave. (Note: Pre-Emptive Wavers symptoms may include [but are not limited to] over-excitement and nervous energy. Side effects can lead to friends pretending they don’t know them and relational estrangement.)

The Late Waver: The guy who was actually waiting for you to wave first, but since you didn’t, the guilt of leaving a fellow homosapien un-waved is too much to bear. He waves at the last possible moment. If you try to give the return wave you are forced to look like A) You’ve run into a spider web B) You’re being chased by a bee or C) A retard.

The Perfectly Timed Waver: The guy who waves at just the right time to be cool, but allows enough time to get a return wave with no extra effort on your part. PTW’s are few and far between. (~RRA~Random Relationship Advice >)If you are looking for the cookie cutter, white house with a picket fence life with 1.89 children, marry a PTW. They will not disappoint.

The Accidental Waver: The guy reaching for his sunblock visor, sunglasses or sunscreen (I know what you’re thinkin’. Sunscreen? What if you’re at the beach? And yes it’s creepy that the Accidental Waver seems to only reach for items with the word “sun” in them… I’ll look into that). Too late you realize that the gesture was meant for an inanimate object and the initial rush of being noticed is replaced with rejection. Such is life.

The Liability Waver: This guy is really not a fan of the wave but will give a half smile and slight raise of the arm if he feels liable and cannot escape said gesture. He will rarely be a First Waver and is much closer to a Non-Waver than a Waver.

The Wave Shunner: This guy will be the only one not participating in a whole stadium of sports fans doing the wave and is therefore (clearly) a lost cause. Trying to force a social gesture on this guy is like a piece of dropped toast landing on the floor butter side up, it’ll never happen.

I‘m sure you’ve experienced most of these wavers somewhere along the line and fit into one (or parts) of these stereotypes. Still, only you know who you are. It takes a lot of personal security to wave at someone you don’t know. What if they’re a Wave Shunner? Then you you feel somewhat offended and spend the next couple of miles (if you’re driving… yards if you’re walking) trying to figure out why you were snubbed.  A few of these instances can actually give you a Late Waver complex.  All viable questions that only trial and error will answer.

The Types Of Waves

There are also 5 different types of waves applicable to all types of wavers:

The Right Angle Wave: This is the open palmed, arm bent at the elbow 90° with the fingers pointed straight up much like a jointed stick figure. This wave can also be mistaken as a right turn signal in traffic.

The Hail Hitler Wave: This wave is performed with the arm fully extended and slightly angled with the fingers pressed together as to resemble the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. A favorite of the Pre-Emptive Waver at long distances, this motion tends to revolt waving reciprocation 99.9% of the time.

The Cool Finger Wave: The peace sign. The pointer finger. The finger gun. This wave will get you shot in some neighborhoods but as such is a clear sign of its demonstrator’s invincibility.

The Miss America Wave: (not restricted to women unfortunately): Resembling a windshield wiper. “Elbow, wrist… elbow, wrist.” This is with the left arm elevated and hand moving side to side like you actually know the person you are waving at.  This wave can usually be seen coming from wanna-be prom queens, arrogant snobs and the Kardashians (but I repeat myself).

The Head Nod: This is a totally chill, very vogue response in lieu of a bona fide wave. Very popular among adolescents and men chewing toothpicks. A Head Nod exchange is indicative of mutual recognition for the others in-crowd status (applicable to the mafia, mobsters, gangs and teenage cliques).

Modus Operandi

What do you do when passing a group of say…7 people? Will one long wave take care of the whole group? Or does it require 7 individual waves, up and down? What about the ‘going the same direction’ wave? Does this require a wave or a nod or both? And with all the commotion in Japan… is it politically incorrect to talk about waves in such a witty and humorous manner?  These are all questions that inquiring minds need to ask.

Find Your Wave

The only way to find and recognize your wave and waver type is to try it. Next time you feel the urge to greet someone with a raising of the arm and a spreading of the fingers… just do it! Record the results in your brain and tell me on here WHO YOU ARE and better yet (if you’re way ahead of me) do it right now. I wanna know!

Happy Waving.


The Facebook Equation*

© Captain Obvious
*Despite the ominous title, little to no math skills are required in the reading of this post.

With over 500 million active users spending 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook, it’s a safe bet that, if you’re reading this, you have a Facebook account. I would like to open the discussion with a passage out of Facebook. I hope this verse, originally composed by my close friend (who has shared custody of my middle name) Kenny V. Anderson, will give us some insight into the modern transcendence of social networking.

The 23rd Facebook

The Facebook is my shepherd, I shall not poke.

It maketh me to lie down with my smart phone

It leadeth me beside the computer, it restoreth my old friendships.

It leadeth me in the paths of comments, for my ego’s sake

Yea, though I scroll through the valley of misspelling,

I will fear no grammar, for emoticons are with me.

Your likes and your comments, they comfort me.

Thou preparest an event before me in the presence of my newsfeed.

Thou anointeth my wall with statuses, my suggestions runneth over.

Surely friends and strangers shall follow me all the days of my life.

I will dwell on the wall of my profile forever. lol.

As the title suggests, my topic today specifically relates to the adding and deleting of friends, mainly, the thought process, internal questions and deciding factors applicable to linking yourself with another human being in the universe.  We live in a world where a deletion on Facebook can serve as an end to a real life friendship. An oversight such as not changing your single status on Facebook can lead to the demise of a relationship (on the Relationship Don’ts List it goes #1 Cheating… #2 Not updating your relationship status).

We’ve all asked ourselves the question (especially regarding people we haven’t ACTUALLY met), whether for a fleeting instant or what seems like an eternity… should I add this person? Many factors come into play at this point. Do I want to be associated with this person? Will they like my status posts? Will Bob get mad if I add Bill? But do they like macaroni and cheese?

We need to face both reality and the music (but mostly reality because we already KNOW music is intrinsically awesome). It comes down to our image, our freedom from other people’s opinions and our personal definition of the word friend. C’mon people, don’t be Jack Black from Shallow Hal, say yes to friendship and the unexplored world of a new individual being a part of your life! That’s the way to win friends and influence people but… whatever you do… make sure you know WHY you do it. If you didn’t get anything else out of this post I hope you got that. If you’re self aware no one can stop you, whether in the social or business world, Friday night bowling or spelunking off the coast of South America. Follow your dreams.

(If your wondering how we got from Facebook>Poems>Adding&Deleting People>Questions>Reality&Music>True Motives>Know Why You Do>Cave Diving In Brazil. That’s how. Now back to the conclusion.)

In conclusion, the conclusion is obvious. Know why you do what you do and you will be able to repeat what works and weed out that which has set you back. Expand that circle of influence. This starts in our minds and in our virtual world, social networking.

Well, there’s 5 minutes and 32 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.

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