The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the category “Life”

Anything Flies!


 Reality Check!

*Buffering*  *Determining Location*  *Delivering Result*

 Citizens of earth,

Now that we got that out-of-the-way… today’s post was inspired when I asked myself why McDonald’s doesn’t sell hot dogs… I couldn’t answer it so I started wondering if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food… I was hungry at the time and wanted to stop thinking about edible material so I began to ponder where the defining line exists when it comes to partly cloudy vs. partly sunny… which got me thinking bigger and more comprehensively and BAM! I decided to research the weirdest and most intriguing things that have ever flown into space. A light sprinkling of the facts, salt, pepper, a dash of Captain Obvious and there you have it. A recipe for disaster. Enjoy!

1. Ashes Of The Creator of Star Trek:

In an extraterrestrial effort to immortalize Star Trek’s creator, Gene Roddenberry, some of the sci-fi legend’s ashes were flown in a small capsule on the space shuttle Columbia‘s STS-52  mission in 1992, the year booty-shaking dancing entered the mainstream with Sir Mixx-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back and Paul Lynck (Great Britain) did 124 push-ups with one finger. The shuttle delivered the tiny canister into outer space, where it orbited the Earth 160 times before being returned on the shuttle.

All kinds of sports jerseys, dirt from Yankee Stadium and even NASCAR starter flags have made it up in space… why NOT experiment with human cremation? “To the best of everyone’s knowledge, it was the first time that human remains were launched on a manned spacecraft,” said a NASA representative on the subject. “To the best of everyone’s knowledge”? What… are government intelligence agencies smuggling bodies into space to ‘leave no trace’? Are they trying to cover up the discovery of an intergalactic alien burial ground/space? Investigation pending.

'Nuff said.

2.  Buzz Lightyear: Disney teamed up with NASA to launch the little guy into space. Lucky piece of toy store merchandise!  The intrepid plastic figurine logged 468 days at the orbiting outpost, during which time he starred in educational videos as part of joint NASA and Disney outreach programs, inspiring millions… like the chick in the pic below.

3. Luke Skywalker’s Lightsaber:

The prop was the original one used by actor Mark Hamill, who played Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The lightsaber flew to the space station and back to mark the 30th anniversary of the film franchise. I’ve always liked Star Wars a helluva lot better than Star Trek (the clueless wanker with Asbergers teaching us to be human is just too much, yes you Mr. Spock) but at the same time I’ve never been an ultimate Star Wars junkie. However I did see something more up my alley recently on the interweb.

You might be a redneck Jedi if… (source)

A. You prefer the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
B. The doors on your X-Wing are welded shut and you have to climb in through the windows.
C. You’ve used a light saber  to light the barbecue grill.
D. The disturbance you detected in the Force was last night’s baked beans.

What makes it even funnier is that I know many people who would act like this if they lived long ago in a galaxy far away… Ok, one last (remotely applicable but humorous) photo to observe and then I’m out of here 🙂

Revised history lesson on the ancient, yet over sized, glow sticks.

That concludes our session today ladies and gentlemen… I hope you’ll join me next time for another installment of Devastating The Obvious!

May the force be with you,

Darth Obvious

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

A Tribute To The Mancave


You know it’s bad when you have random girls over for the sole purpose of having them wash your dishes. This thought occurred to me a couple months ago while I was flipping my burritos on the skillet with pliers (due to the lack of clean spatulas…). I’ve since had a few changes in my living situation but I will forever value that era of wallowing in glorious singlehood. I’m still single but I’ve given up the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I doubt I will ever descend to that level again but honestly, it was fun while it lasted. I wasn’t poor by any means but money always had a better, more adventurous place to go rather than basic hygiene. (Speaking of hygiene it is never funny to make fun of female hygiene… end of story. Period!)

Dane Cook:  “You know you’re a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you’ve got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That’s how sad and lonely you are. You won’t even buy bulbs.”

My friend recently pulled out some posters she’d saved from the mancave before it’s conquest and eventual evacuation. One was of Chuck Norris and various quotes denoting his ability to blow bubbles with beef jerky and the use of his hair in the making of bulletproof vests for law enforcement agencies across the planet… the other a list of what to do in the event of a zombie Apocalypse… 6. BOOBIES ARE GOOD (praising the pros of setting booby traps) etc.

50 inch TVs and two high powered gaming consoles adorned the den wall and the blinds were all eventually destroyed and replaced with blankets or sheets. Once again I’d like to reiterate my lack of desire to ever experience this again… I have much grander plans for my existence in this dog eat dog world. As I move up in the corporate hierarchy there are a few things I wouldn’t mind adding to the experience.

To each his own.

1. Pool. Complete with a sign declaring “Welcome to my _OOL, Notice there is no “P” in it. I’d like to keep it that way” (if there’s any other pool jokes floating around out there feel free to enlighten me). Throw in a hot tub, nearby trampoline and basketball hoop and we’ll be ready to rock and roll!

2. The universal house remote. A condo complete with mood buttons! I can press on the remote that adjust the aesthetics and lighting appropriately. You know you’ve made it when walls move, sounds permeate the air, lights change and your residence can turn into a club or a house of love at the touch of a button.

A few games of battle shots, chess shots, beer pong, ultimate beer pong, a stripper pole, a poker table, ping pong and a pool table and we are good to go! What would you put in your ultimate man cave men? And for the women… what do you secretly like about the mancave experience (perhaps)? GO! 🙂

Much Ado About Nothing*


I am posting today to bring awareness to an american travesty gone rampant in the very fast food joints we patronize every day of our existence. I’m not talking about the filthy preparation or despicable state of most restrooms. I’m not even talking about the repulsive things I’ve done in my past life as a waiter to people’s evening morsels. I’m here today to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. Snow blindness in cats has effected… NOT!

What I REALLY want to address is the ridiculous amount they can charge you for a 3 ounce (<measurement stated at random, correct me if you are privy to such information) of sour cream, or any condiment for that matter! It’s more than exorbitant, it’s robbery! One of my friends and I had this lengthy conversation not but months ago… why it just popped into my kranium we’ll never know.

 

Talk about fast food!

Unfortunately the corporate conspiracies that be have picked up on this fact and started to charge 50 cents or even a dollar for this wonderful dairy protege and it’s ilk. I am hereby boycotting any and all such thievery. No more sour cream for this guy. In closing I have a few questions… Who will join me? Is this a plague unique to my country or is a universal ploy?  I want to hear from my blogging counterparts across the globe on this subject.

You can take our lives... but... you will never take... our MCDONALDS!

*The next post will contain much more substantial material.

Christmas Observations


I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.

X4NCWM32RJ66

Is Chivalry Dead?


1600’s: Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you that I have received your letter and I’ve been left quite speechless.

2011: K

Call me old-fashioned but I’m the kind of guy that will open doors for women (not just the one’s I think are pretty) and always pay no matter how they insist. I aspire to be that knight in shining armor… with a slightly bad ass side as well 😉
This doesn’t mean I don’t like to do crazy, (sometimes… well most of the time) illegal things. I have two tattoos and I’m planning on getting more. What chivalry means is a respect for women in general, and, while I’m nowhere near perfect, I try. I was raised in a strict environment and have branched out immensely while on my own but a few of these basic principles have served me well over the years.

Those whose ‘game’ is based on the misconception they’re flirting with women while putting them down and treating them with disrespect are nothing but insecure.

I myself think ladies with a mindset like this one (directly below) are entirely unattractive. I blame this on men without a doubt. We have forced them to fill our roles in addition to theirs  while we watch our sports,  live off our welfare and generally abdicate what little responsibility we have left. A true man deserves a true woman. There are few left. I believe nothing is more attractive than a  girly, feminine girl who desires to fill the void in society that only she can.

^^^See? Even these felines have it right ^^^

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of hardened, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and degradation, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for.

The few that persist in the practice of chivalry are soon burnt out by the disdain of the opposite sex. Women are confused, not knowing whether to construe an open door or pulled out chair as someone trying to get in their pants or else mockery. This can be directly linked to a worldwide absence of true men with chivalrous intentions.

Man or woman… ask yourself: is it so hard to believe in a tradition built on mutual respect and courteous behavior?

Frankly madam? I don’t give a damn.


There are some things that attract me to a girl and some things I honestly couldn’t care less about. The list is shorter on this side but just as accurate and potent.

Your Ex: Unless he gives us a reason to kick his ass. We won’t admit it but… anything you mention he did differently (god forbid better) we endeavor to top with our own masculine acts of indefinite awesomeness.

Your salary: We want you to fulfill your dreams but we don’t want to know how much they paid you to do it.

Your muscles: flexibility is highly attractive. Brute strength is not. Deal with it.

The End

The First Things I Notice About A Girl


I’ve had many of my close (and some not so close) female friends ask me this question and I’ve decided its high time I answered it in written form. “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The truth hurts sometimes but if you’re wider than you are tall, have a mole the size of your nose on your face or a voice as deep as Josh Turner… I won’t really look twice. But! If I was to compile a 100% honest list of what I notice first in a girl who catches my eye it would be this.

1. Eyes. Now I’m not saying this to be romantic or cliché and I have no preferred eye color but what I do look for is that sparkle that tells me you’re alive. That you’re going somewhere with your life that’s fun and that I might want to go to with you. The eyes can experience a connection unique to any other. They are ‘the window to the soul’.

2. Personality and smarts. Fun, intelligent, creative, girly with a deep and slightly romantic side 🙂 That’s my personal preference. Someone unique and insightful… something that intrigues me to want to discover their world and become a part of it. I could call you every name in the book and, if I haven’t pulled out the word ‘boring’ yet, you haven’t hit rock bottom. Guys want a girl that will bring something they don’t have into their life.

3. Face/Body. Like I said I’m being 100% honest. I know people have problems and issues and blah dee blah dee blah but I’m talking about what attracts me to a female as a guy. A cute face (in a foxy, coy way) is quite attractive. Being pretty, skinny, taking care of yourself, having the ability to move (athletic-ish), and of course the eyes always gravitate toward the lovely curvatures of the female body… None of these hurt… at all.

4. Smile/Laugh. I separate this from the facial category because when a beautiful girl smiles it’s like… you just discovered a new color previously unknown to mankind. And when she smiles at you it’s like you invented that color. The reason this is so far down on the list is due to the fact that you may or may not see this wonderful feature when interacting with the girl for the first time (if you guys out there have any game at all you will make it a point to make her laugh). A genuine laugh is priceless in this day and age.

5. Voice. She has to be well spoken and put effort into her vocabulary (or at least flatter me by trying to learn 😛 ). No whining or annoying voices allowed, without exception. This can also be a great showcase for your personality and smarts (or lack thereof).

6. Hair. I like my women tall and blonde in most cases but that’s personal preference and subject to change. Not exclusive either (I make exceptions 😉 ) Again, you have to take care of yourself . The psychology behind how a girl styles her hair for better or worse is a huge indicator of her take on life (and whether the guy likes it or not is a compatibility factor for sure). I think long hair is more feminine and that’s my preference.

7. Similar Tastes. The reason this is last (but definitely not least) is that the information is usually acquired last. After the first 6. I’ll have looked into your eyes, gotten a general feel for your personality and intelligence, seen your face and body, we better have made you smile and laugh and heard your voice and seen your hair. From there? If the first 6 pass the test then it’s up to see where you’re headed and if it’s in the same direction as me.

I may edit and update this post as I remember and revise various stances toward a woman’s features but as of now this is my best synopsis. Enjoy ladies and gentlemen alike! Tell me your opinions, however different or similar they may be. I hope this helps any girls still in a quandary about what a guy is looking for. Coming up: Things Us Guys Don’t Give a Damn About In A Girl  😉 Until then, au revoir.

Money Matters


“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” –Robert Orben

I’ve ran into some hard times lately… more or less. I have a job I could travel to and make a lot of money quick but, due to social and romantically involved reasons, I have chosen not to do so. I was thinking today about the pros and cons of possessing large amounts of money. As a twist on my previous and short lived episode “Monday Musings of a Mental Millionaire” I decided to write down a few (feel free to add more sensible ones to the list):

Pro: Fat wallets make you feel good about yourself.
Con: Thin wallets are more comfortable to sit on.

 
Pro: You can buy useless things like an island complete with midgets painted orange to be oompa loompas or a cruise ship in the shape of a sandwich. You could buy all the algebra books in the world then rent a blimp and dump it on Topeka, Kansas as an act of math instruction.
Cons: Oompa loompas are gay. You can’t eat cruise ships so what’s the point? And last but not least… Topeka? Really? Be more philanthropic why don’t you. Try Nigeria or some third world country where they can use it as firestarter.

Pro: You’d get all the easy girls (or whatever gender seems to match your sexual orientation). People would think you’re important.
Con: I am not attracted to easy girls in the least and if they’re just attracted to the dinero? They can saddle up and ride away. As for being important, if you think nobody cares about poor people, try missing a couple of car payments.

Pro: You’d have security and the ability to enjoy life in a more stress free environment.
Con: Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with! 😛

Pro: So many opportunities to capitalize on!
Con: Scams. Frauds. What if someone offered you a team franchise in the Nigerian Chimpanzee Archery Association (NCAA)? Like… how could you say no to that?

That concludes my short list. Feel free to add to it BUT you must have both a pro AND a con to suggest any additions to the list 😉

R.I.P. Mr. Playa


 In the spirit of the Christmas season… what’s the difference between Santa and Chuck Norris? Mr. Claus only has 3 ho’s  😉

I’ve been characterized as quite the player of late. Due to my natural charm, dashing good looks and ever-present sense of humor… the females came pretty easy this year. By the way, if you don’t know what a player is, it is one who has the elusive ‘game’ factor or one who has game. Allow me to define it in this blow-by-blow from the show How I Met Your Mother.

Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. You can’t spell ‘game’ without ‘me’, and ‘me’ has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I’m a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I’m the New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I’m The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Typical players. I can relate. They like attention but some of them can be good guys at heart too… and that’s what I always shoot for. Well to get to the point of my story… I met a girl I really like and have had to cease and desist from my untamed gallivanting. Alas… it will be missed but it’s for a good cause. She’s just an undeniably gorgeous person inside and out and I’m looking to see where this leads. Who knows? Within a month I may be back into the single scene, breaking hearts and going crazy as usual or I might be settled down a bit and doing something productive with my life. Oh and did i mention she’s a good influence on me?

In conclusion: Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky and once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants today are known as giraffes. And now time for a random episode of… what’s wrong with this picture?

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: