The Captain's (B)log

Archive for the category “Behavorial Observations”

The Oxford Comma: Just Use It


Squirrel Thoughts

Oxford comma-nistas around the world are having a heyday over a recent push alert sent by Sky News, which they believe is the end-all, be-all argument in favor of their precious punctuation mark.

Comma

Now, let’s be clear: The Oxford comma is necessary in this “sentence” as it’s written. Obviously, there are some pretty serious implications without it. However, this whole “sentence,” if you can even call it that, could be rewritten for clarity, and we would not have been subjected to all this nonsense in the first place. The Oxford comma-nistas would never suggest that though!

See, the purpose of a comma when used in a list is to replace the word “and.” When you use an Oxford comma in a list of three or more items, it’s redundant. You’re essentially writing “and and.” And that’s just silly.

Let me spell it out for you using another famed Oxford comma-nista example:…

View original post 326 more words

Make The Little Things Count. Teach Midgets Math.


Based On A True Story…

I recently returned from a 5 month stint in sunny Phoenix, Arizona to my small hometown in the panoramic mountains of north-eastern Washington. A few days before I left I visited the King Fish restaurant in downtown Tempe for a business meeting and there the plot proceeded to thicken. What does the valley of the sun, sea food or alpine scenery have to do with the title of this post? Humor me and hopefully I can humor you with that revelation.

As I opened the door for my business associate to enter the restaurant, out came the tiniest person I’d ever seen! The grey hair, wrinkles and cane stood (maybe) 3 foot tall on a good day. Defying the laws of physics, she peered over her oversized sunglasses up at my 6 foot 4 inch frame with a snide “Humph” and then proceeded to make her way out to the parking lot and what I can only assume must have been a step-ladder and one of those overpriced novelty baby strollers they call a ‘smart car’.

I thought nothing of the midget sighting till I spotted a similarly sized fellow at the Phoenix airport… and another gnome like individual in Spokane when I arrived home! Ever since that fateful day in the grand canyon state the sightings have increased exponentially; at the grocery store, at the gas station, in the children’s clothing section. At first it was singly, then in pairs, threesomes and recently congregating in both dark and light alleys while brandishing potato-peelers and burning XL clothing. Sensing a disturbance in the force, I have taken it upon myself to research and encapsulate the scope of what we are about to face.

Midgets get shot out of cannons and ride rockets every day ( check out www.hireamidget.com if you’re interested). From midget car racing to midget wrestling and boxing to online midget tossing, TLC’s bad habit of making shows about them and the popular belief in their possession of magical powers in cyberspace, it’s time someone stuck up for the little guy. If I could refrain from a look of amused fascination every time I laid eyes on one then perhaps I would be that guy, but I’m not! Who doesn’t like watching little people battle? Those T-rex arms look cute until you see them kick ass and simultaneously instill within you a fear of small children and/or midgets. It’s like watching 1st graders fight if 1st graders knew Kung Fu.

What if the little people have finally had enough of being thirsty near water fountains, using nerd candies as jawbreakers and society as a whole looking down on them? The list of reasons for a global David vs. Goliath like confrontation is endless. I have it on good authority that from 1691 to 1695, midgets were legal tender in Austria. Even crowded elevators must smell differently to a midget. What if there is an organized effort for worldwide pigmy domination? What if height(or lack thereof)-ism is the new racism? This point of contention may dwarf in comparison but wars have been started over smaller things (all kinds of pun intended but for example, a postage stamp started the Chaco War). Yes, I’m talking about combat! Skirmishes! Onslaughts! And in some rare cases… even death.

I remained in denial right up until I heard about the psychic midget who escaped from jail, saw the headlines “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE” and realized this mystical little fellow must be their leader. Slowly but surely I have connected the dots. In short, I’m all for more education, awareness and peaceful resolution on the subject. In closing, watch your knee caps, keep your friends close and make the little things count. Teach midgets math.

Top Hats Need To Make A Comeback


I’ve described a lot of things recently and I intend to in the future but here I pause to insert a quick not from the author, Captain Obvious. It also Cinco De Mayo today… oh and my birthday! Today I turned 20 years old but instead of dwelling on graduation from the teenage world I have decided to do a couple posts on various historical artifacts, trends etc that I will campaign to re-integrate into society as we know it. I am working as a Business Development Executive and with a background and current career in sales and as such have chosen to use some creative license and broaden my horizons.

The first object to be discussed in this series could have been many things but was narrowed down through a calculated process of cross strategies and semi circle brain patterns. Of course it couldn’t be anything from the Middle East… too hot of a topic and I don’t want to bring that controversy into my posts unnecessarily or mention it without any cause whatsoever. And then I turned around and thought well we have to rule out everything else too because the only object that immediately came to mind was the Top Hat. Yes that very same Top Hat of American Civil-War era fame… so why not mount a full-scale campaign to re-introduce it to modern civilization?

(Dim the lights and here we go…)

“Top coat, top hat,
I don’t worry cause my wallets fat.
Black shades, white gloves,
looking sharp and looking for love.”

For one thing, what other scalp ornament can claim to make rabbits appear at the drop of a hat? Magicians have been doing it for years. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t look nearly as authentic without this apparatus of gargantuan proportions adorning his head, and I say ‘apparatus’ because that’s exactly what it was. Besides its apparent transformational qualities of making its wearer appear exponentially more distinguished and ‘dapper’, as it were, there was a purpose behind the Top Hat the very embodiment of citizenship and versatility. John Batterson Stetson, the inventor of the Top Hat was a man of vision. If only he had lived to see this post and the global potential of his simple brainchild.

What we may look at and think of as abnormally large and useless is in fact a product of creative genius. Mr. Stetson allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires. Imagine having not only a Crime Watch zone in your neighborhood but a Top Hat zone where you knew that your home was protected in the event of a possible fire by the fashion conscious choice of your community conscious neighbors to sport the snazzy Top Hat. It’s the future ladies and gentlemen.

I predict (and you can quote me on this) that the next big fad after “going green” and global warming will be the Top Hat. Those not wearing them will be thought of as the carbon footprints of their era by choosing not to protect their fellow-man and pack even a travel size Top Hat in the event of a nearby structure fire. Recent studies and surveys and questions asked to close friends of Al Gore have shown that this issue will be on the docket at the International Peace & General Welfare convention. Be prepared. Do your part. Carry a Top Hat.

Too many potential comedic point of interest to list…


This video should serve as a reminder and memorial to us all that minorities can achieve greatness! If you try hard you can play Rapunzel out of a an airplane. I guess this is what Fear Factor looked like in the 1920’s. Chief White Eagle strikes me as the Steve-O of his time… the Johnny Knoxville of the Chippewas! It takes Jackass-like brain capacity to attempt something of this magnitude. Pay back to the Native Americans; “Think you can scalp our cowboys? We’re gonna hang your Chief by his hair from an airplane.”

I stumbled across this video after viewing a clip about a motorized bath tub so I wasn’t prepared for the level of amusement I attained from its contents. Did you see anything I didn’t? The humorous possibilities have an endless selection.

Mental Musings


Anybody else imagine an emoticon winky face making a clinking sound when it winks like change falling into a coffer of various coins? Nobody? I’ve always had an interesting mind (and when I say interesting I mean abstract, most likely ADHD and definitely random) but recently I’ve realized how odd it really is. I notice it particularly when I think back out loud in my head (I’ve perfected this art) and go back over what I just thought. If it we’re a radio station it wouldn’t be lying about “more variety”.

Do you ever think about English words in pure noise form? DOOR. You look like such a dork saying that word. And there’s another one, dork. I’ve heard it to be defined as a male blue whale‘s reproductive organ but there are many interpretations. Then you get into the words that make you sound like Justin Bieber; “frothy, moist, supple”. But I digress.

I always find myself looking at certain situations and fantasizing about applying the same strategies in completely different situations in life. Like board games? Have you ever played Monopoly? Well Free Parking is where you land on a space and get all the money in the middle of the board that people have payed in throughout the game and it’s got this red parking meter fire-hydrant-lookin’-thing marking the space. Now… me being me… I began to think how awesome would that be! Getting paid to park? Sounds like a game show. “YOU’VE WON 1 MILLION DOLLARS!” Bob Barker walkin’ down the street, you’re posing with girls and confetti and everything…. then Ashton Kutcher walks up… “SUCKER! You’ve been Punk’d!” He trips and busts his head open, Bob disappears through a man hole, the girls get off break and have to go back to work at Hooters as a giant vacuum cleaner sucks up the red carpet, confetti and your car and you’re stuck with a murder scene (minus one car). No thank you. I knew there was a reason I’ve always hated that game.

Anything Flies!


 Reality Check!

*Buffering*  *Determining Location*  *Delivering Result*

 Citizens of earth,

Now that we got that out-of-the-way… today’s post was inspired when I asked myself why McDonald’s doesn’t sell hot dogs… I couldn’t answer it so I started wondering if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food… I was hungry at the time and wanted to stop thinking about edible material so I began to ponder where the defining line exists when it comes to partly cloudy vs. partly sunny… which got me thinking bigger and more comprehensively and BAM! I decided to research the weirdest and most intriguing things that have ever flown into space. A light sprinkling of the facts, salt, pepper, a dash of Captain Obvious and there you have it. A recipe for disaster. Enjoy!

1. Ashes Of The Creator of Star Trek:

In an extraterrestrial effort to immortalize Star Trek’s creator, Gene Roddenberry, some of the sci-fi legend’s ashes were flown in a small capsule on the space shuttle Columbia‘s STS-52  mission in 1992, the year booty-shaking dancing entered the mainstream with Sir Mixx-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back and Paul Lynck (Great Britain) did 124 push-ups with one finger. The shuttle delivered the tiny canister into outer space, where it orbited the Earth 160 times before being returned on the shuttle.

All kinds of sports jerseys, dirt from Yankee Stadium and even NASCAR starter flags have made it up in space… why NOT experiment with human cremation? “To the best of everyone’s knowledge, it was the first time that human remains were launched on a manned spacecraft,” said a NASA representative on the subject. “To the best of everyone’s knowledge”? What… are government intelligence agencies smuggling bodies into space to ‘leave no trace’? Are they trying to cover up the discovery of an intergalactic alien burial ground/space? Investigation pending.

'Nuff said.

2.  Buzz Lightyear: Disney teamed up with NASA to launch the little guy into space. Lucky piece of toy store merchandise!  The intrepid plastic figurine logged 468 days at the orbiting outpost, during which time he starred in educational videos as part of joint NASA and Disney outreach programs, inspiring millions… like the chick in the pic below.

3. Luke Skywalker’s Lightsaber:

The prop was the original one used by actor Mark Hamill, who played Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The lightsaber flew to the space station and back to mark the 30th anniversary of the film franchise. I’ve always liked Star Wars a helluva lot better than Star Trek (the clueless wanker with Asbergers teaching us to be human is just too much, yes you Mr. Spock) but at the same time I’ve never been an ultimate Star Wars junkie. However I did see something more up my alley recently on the interweb.

You might be a redneck Jedi if… (source)

A. You prefer the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
B. The doors on your X-Wing are welded shut and you have to climb in through the windows.
C. You’ve used a light saber  to light the barbecue grill.
D. The disturbance you detected in the Force was last night’s baked beans.

What makes it even funnier is that I know many people who would act like this if they lived long ago in a galaxy far away… Ok, one last (remotely applicable but humorous) photo to observe and then I’m out of here 🙂

Revised history lesson on the ancient, yet over sized, glow sticks.

That concludes our session today ladies and gentlemen… I hope you’ll join me next time for another installment of Devastating The Obvious!

May the force be with you,

Darth Obvious

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

A Tribute To The Mancave


You know it’s bad when you have random girls over for the sole purpose of having them wash your dishes. This thought occurred to me a couple months ago while I was flipping my burritos on the skillet with pliers (due to the lack of clean spatulas…). I’ve since had a few changes in my living situation but I will forever value that era of wallowing in glorious singlehood. I’m still single but I’ve given up the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I doubt I will ever descend to that level again but honestly, it was fun while it lasted. I wasn’t poor by any means but money always had a better, more adventurous place to go rather than basic hygiene. (Speaking of hygiene it is never funny to make fun of female hygiene… end of story. Period!)

Dane Cook:  “You know you’re a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you’ve got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That’s how sad and lonely you are. You won’t even buy bulbs.”

My friend recently pulled out some posters she’d saved from the mancave before it’s conquest and eventual evacuation. One was of Chuck Norris and various quotes denoting his ability to blow bubbles with beef jerky and the use of his hair in the making of bulletproof vests for law enforcement agencies across the planet… the other a list of what to do in the event of a zombie Apocalypse… 6. BOOBIES ARE GOOD (praising the pros of setting booby traps) etc.

50 inch TVs and two high powered gaming consoles adorned the den wall and the blinds were all eventually destroyed and replaced with blankets or sheets. Once again I’d like to reiterate my lack of desire to ever experience this again… I have much grander plans for my existence in this dog eat dog world. As I move up in the corporate hierarchy there are a few things I wouldn’t mind adding to the experience.

To each his own.

1. Pool. Complete with a sign declaring “Welcome to my _OOL, Notice there is no “P” in it. I’d like to keep it that way” (if there’s any other pool jokes floating around out there feel free to enlighten me). Throw in a hot tub, nearby trampoline and basketball hoop and we’ll be ready to rock and roll!

2. The universal house remote. A condo complete with mood buttons! I can press on the remote that adjust the aesthetics and lighting appropriately. You know you’ve made it when walls move, sounds permeate the air, lights change and your residence can turn into a club or a house of love at the touch of a button.

A few games of battle shots, chess shots, beer pong, ultimate beer pong, a stripper pole, a poker table, ping pong and a pool table and we are good to go! What would you put in your ultimate man cave men? And for the women… what do you secretly like about the mancave experience (perhaps)? GO! 🙂

Much Ado About Nothing*


I am posting today to bring awareness to an american travesty gone rampant in the very fast food joints we patronize every day of our existence. I’m not talking about the filthy preparation or despicable state of most restrooms. I’m not even talking about the repulsive things I’ve done in my past life as a waiter to people’s evening morsels. I’m here today to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. Snow blindness in cats has effected… NOT!

What I REALLY want to address is the ridiculous amount they can charge you for a 3 ounce (<measurement stated at random, correct me if you are privy to such information) of sour cream, or any condiment for that matter! It’s more than exorbitant, it’s robbery! One of my friends and I had this lengthy conversation not but months ago… why it just popped into my kranium we’ll never know.

 

Talk about fast food!

Unfortunately the corporate conspiracies that be have picked up on this fact and started to charge 50 cents or even a dollar for this wonderful dairy protege and it’s ilk. I am hereby boycotting any and all such thievery. No more sour cream for this guy. In closing I have a few questions… Who will join me? Is this a plague unique to my country or is a universal ploy?  I want to hear from my blogging counterparts across the globe on this subject.

You can take our lives... but... you will never take... our MCDONALDS!

*The next post will contain much more substantial material.

Christmas Observations


I support the true meaning of Christmas as Jesus birthday etc… but I’m here today to talk about pretty much everything else 😛

Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus… what I wouldn’t give to be 18 again… I still hold a grudge against the chubby, nonexistent charlatan. Santa is Satan misspelled…I’m on to you, Fatman. YAY! Let’s wrap cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and get ready for the guy to break into the house while we’re sleeping!  It may be hard to believe by the tone of this post but… I actually love Christmas. No matter how old you are, bubble wrap is pseudo gunfire and an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. What else could inspire someone to spend an ungodly amount of time untangling a 6 dollar strand of Christmas lights they bought 10 years ago.

And what is this ‘Happy Holiday‘ crap? Dave Barry put it best when said “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”

I plan on going and getting a real tree this week. I’ve never had one before because my parents didn’t believe in putting one up… hope it doesn’t end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas. There is an upside though. At least I’m not so poor that I have to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshener.

Ah Christmas… with your confusing carols (We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar? Recently corrected on that one) and frantic last-minute shopping. If not for Christmas companies would have to invent another holiday causing one and all to spend more than they make all year in one month.

In conclusion to this random escapade into the red, green and white rainbow that is Deember 25th, I bid you Merry Christmas. Should you lack mistletoe… may you always kiss under the influence.

X4NCWM32RJ66

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: