The Captain's (B)log

How To Win Friends & Influence People: Bring Gum.


Gotta get all seven food groups...

Don’t you wish it was that simple? Well it is! … Mostly. There are some small (and by this I mean infinitesimally minute) guidelines that need to be followed when choosing and bringing gum to a social gathering.  I am a gum addict but you should definitely keep reading whether you partake of the sugary goodness on a regular basis or not. It goes without saying that there is an etiquette to discarding, offering, chewing and swallowing gum.Yes, I said swallowing.

Rule Number One: Don’t swallow it. I trusted my parents when they said it would either stay in my stomach for 13 years or give me gumorrhea ( a terrifyingly big word at the time). I recently spoke with a friend who can’t break the habit of swallowing gum at the young age of 22 years old. You don’t want to be that guy. It’s just not cool, not to mention that, due to its startling resilience when it comes to stomach acid, it limits space for food and that to me is far more tragic than being un-cool.

Rule Number Two: Don’t chew or spit like a llama (cow is fine but llama’s just take things to a whole new level of grossness). This applies to those of you who partake in the nasty habit of chewing tobacco as well. Also, don’t blow bubbles that pop back on your face. That was the cooler than double jointed thumbs back in the day but there’s a reason it’s back in the day.

Rule Number Three: We know the goal of this whole post is to win friends and influence people using our little sugary chewing devices but we don’t need to be asked if we want every 5 seconds. If you’re going to use gum to back up your social status, play hard to get. Make people CRAVE it subliminally. Tease them with a wrapper and a small (SMALL!) smacking of the lips here and there. Eventually they’ll come around, get the right idea and ask you for a piece.

Rule Number Four: I know it’s convenient to test the adhesive power of gum on the bottom of tables, arcade games and counter tops but in today’s fast paced world that is SO five minutes ago. And the whole throwing it over your shoulder with no thought to future consequences? Refer to the picture below. I rest my case.

Get it? It's a high heel... NOT! I'm ashamed to admit it took ME a few seconds.

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One thing to keep in mind is the kind of people you’re wanting to attract and what situation you’re going into. Like attracts like. Hence, you need to BE what you are trying to attract.

# 1- is for all you James Bond types out there. The cool cats. This paragraph is applicable at black tie affairs (AND for those who like to pretend their life is one loooooong black tie affair. Most of us know at least one person like this).You have two types of gum to choose from: peppermint or spearmint. Nothing else will do.You’re trying to give the impression you’re the classiest thing since the invention of un-boxed wine (if I find the exact dates on this invention I will source them immediately). This type of gum can also work for older ladies at bridge and book clubs. Don’t ask me where the connection between this and 007 is.

# 2– The Funster, the Ace Ventura types, the movers, the streakers, the shakers (yes I did just throw that in there). The people who think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing and embedded video combined. You too have two options: bubble gum or chewing fruit flavored gum. With bubble gum you’re gonna come off as one of two things. A zany, adventurous adrenaline junky or an infantile, nerdy kid. It’s really up to the rest of how you present yourself as to what kind of people you will attract (or repel for that matter). Fruit flavored gum has much of the same pros and cons. As long as you don’t shove 10 pieces in your mouth to create an exploding jungle of colorful nirvana you should be in good shape (working out on a regular basis can help with this last part too).

# 3– The sporty yet thoughtful hero/heroine (and often host) of the social scene,  If this is what you’re going for I suggest you live in a mansion complete with pool and soda fountain.  If you happen lack the aforementioned items you will have to try to make the same impression with what you choose to put in your mouth. In this case, gum. This is a mix of the first two options. You will pick your own poison, maybe even take a little of both and use them as your mission requires. You are all things to all people and the scent of your breath must say the same thing.

It looks like that’s all we have time for today. I would like to apologize in advance for the cartoon at the end of this post. I couldn’t resist. It’s been a pleasure devastating some obvious with you. I do hope you found this mildly educational and will join me next time. I SHOULD TOTALLY START A RADIO TALK SHOW! But who listens to radio anymore… anyway getting back to the conclusion.

The End

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30 thoughts on “How To Win Friends & Influence People: Bring Gum.

  1. When I was a kid I leant up against a boiler while queueing for a class at school and managed to get melted gum in my hair. It had to be cut out, and I don’t think I ever fully recovered from the travesty of a mullet. Over ten years later it still scars me… to be a socially accepted gum chewer, JUST PUT IT IN THE BIN!!!

  2. Joe-zie-uh! Very funny, very well written post. I really enjoyed it.

    Now, the editor in me is compelled to tell you that the word “llama” has two l’s in it. (you have it in Rule #2 twice) Yes, I know that looks funny and no, you don’t pronounce both l’s (as in “la-lama”), but it does have two l’s in it. It’s like the “p” in pneumonia, you don’t pronounce it even though whoever coined the word felt the need to add an extraneous “p” to it.

    Loved the posting!

    Cindy

  3. Mental Xpress on said:

    LMAO wow this is informative and hilarious all at the same time. hahaha. I once threw gum over the balcony and didn’t realize people were walking below lets just say it never made it to the ground lol.

    Awesome post.

  4. Oh man, that’s hilarious. I don’t see any any direct contact option here. I want to use “gumorrhea” on the dad glossary section of my blog. Can I use it if I credit you (of course) and link back to your page?

    Either way, cool blog here. Keep up with the funny.

  5. Sincerely, Average. on said:

    I haven’t thrown gum on the ground since this one time in middle school that I did, and I was the one who ended up stepping in it. It ruined my all stars 😦
    Great post, yet again.

  6. lifewith4cats on said:

    The gentle ladies of the bridge and book club keep secret identities to go with their double lives as handlers for double agents. Its a good cover since no one plays bridge or reads books anymore, there secret is safe. and they prefer double-mint gum.

  7. gummybear on said:

    This one will STICK with me for a while. Everybody loves to chew. Of course, for all of us health-buffs out there, there are few choices anymore. Aspartame is in almost EVERYTHING, and causes everything from brain cancer to hormonal problems! Xylitol gum, found only in Health Food stores, is a good alternative! 🙂

  8. I’m a peppermint AND bubble gum gal myself. Peppermint Orbitz is my everready go-to gum…Never with out it, EVER. I don’t mind some good ‘ole bubbalicious bubble gum now and again though. ALways loved the Big League Chew bubble gum or original bubble tape as a kid. I ALWAYS dispose of it properly… once was a victim of a walk by gum throwing in high school; gum landed in my hair…tried icing it and then peanut butter to no avail… had to get it cut out, but thankfully didn’t end up with a mullet like Tink 😉

    • Haha hold the phone we have a #3 Mixer right here. That makes sense. Being a guy the one and only time I got it in my hair I decided it was time for a buzz (the haircut not affects of alcohol) and that was that. I know tomato juice works to expel the stink of a skunk but didn’t know people would use that hallowed substance of PEANUT BUTTER for such a mundane use… ’tis a pity.

      • Buzz cut wasn’t the style I was going for… not too sure that it’d make for a very attractive image for myself. Now remember the peanut butter was a failure… the school nurse insisted it would work, but alas it did not. Twas a great misuse of such a “hollowed substance.” An absolute pity for sure. 😉

        • Ugh. “hallowed” not “hollowed” sorry…forgive me for the inaccurate quote describing peanut butter… a misleading blonde moment as the blonde is not natural.

  9. A clear example of why school nurses are overrated 🙂

    Ah i see! Not a natural blonde eh? You’re an undercover brunette. I see how it is.

  10. surely like does attract like…who was the dummy who said opposites attract?? haha ..great post! btw last reply to the comment made me smile ^

  11. Loved the post and the cartoon. Don’t apologize for having good taste. 🙂

  12. Hey captain, you write really well 🙂 Good one!

  13. i’m awarding with you the versatile blogger award! http://zenmamajo.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/and-the-versatile-blogger-award-goes-to/ – looking forward to reading your fun facts!

  14. I liked this one too. Cause I’m kinda taking your advice.

  15. Your’e awesome. Just sayin’.

    I’m a gum addict, so I almost always have gum (which makes me unbelievably popular at school), and I’m famous for spitting it like bullet in the trash from a two meter distance. But few know my secret ambition is dropping my gum down on people from the top floor at the local mall where the escalators are..

    Keep up the good work!

  16. I listen to the radio!

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